Having faith can be very hard. Trusting that someone has things under control even when you feel like things are spiraling out of control or seem hopeless can be a very hard thing to do. Even when time and time again things work out, it’s still hard to remember that they always work out, and that they’ll work out this time too. That’s something I’ve struggled with a lot in the past six months, but everything up to this point has worked out. It might not have been my timeline but it’s worked out and for that I’m so thankful. Having faith can be a hard thing though.
I was so excited when we started car shopping before my 16th birthday. I had saved money and we had a budget. I was going to get the most amazing car ever. Then I saw what my money could buy and my hopes became a little less high. We looked at so many different dealerships and nothing stood out. Everything we found was too much or in bad shape or something or other. I was convinced that I wouldn’t find a car when I turned 16. I imagined myself an old woman with no car still. After a couple months we took a trip to a dealership a couple hours away. I was so frustrated and beginning to think we should just stop looking for awhile. That’s when I saw it, a purple car I fell in love with AND it had a sunroof. I hadn’t even dreamed of a sunroof! I was ecstatic. We negotiated and long story short, I drove that car to school the day I turned 16 (after I got the license of course!).
A couple years later I was getting ready to graduate and go to college. I had dreamt about going to AZ for years although I could never come up with a very concrete reason for that. I just knew that I wanted to leave my little town and Arizona was the destination I had in mind. I had worked hard through high school and had hoped for a scholarship. I was ecstatic the day I got a letter in the mail informing me of my scholarship to ASU. ASU hadn’t been my first choice of schools in AZ but it had some great benefits and in the end I decided it was the best option for me. Obviously the move worked out great because it’s where I met Mr. C and I honestly can’t imagine my life without him. My original choice of schools had been U of A, but then I never would have met Mr. C or so many other people that have touched my life. Everything worked out, and it was even better than I could have imagined. Clearly someone was guiding me.
When I approached my college graduation, I job searched for months. I actually had a white board with every place I had applied at written down. It began as a way to keep track of where I had applied, however after time I began to refer to it as “the rejection board”. From time to time, I’d look at that and feel sorry for myself and worry about what I was going to do once I graduated. I wanted a job in the design field so bad but it just wasn’t working out. I ended up getting a full time spot at the place I had worked at through college. I loved the office, the people, and I already knew what I was doing so although it wasn’t the high profile design job I may have wanted, it was a job I enjoyed and I think that’s saying a lot. I was extra grateful when design studios began laying people off and I knew I was safe in my job. Again, things worked out. Not in the way I had planned, but so much better.
I come up with weird, random ideas all the time. There was the time I wanted to move to Chicago and informed Mr. C. of my plan. He just went along with it, probably hoping it would all blow over soon enough. It did once I looked at the price of apartments there.
Somehow I decided one day that I wanted to be a teacher. I looked into it and found this program that sounded too good to be true where I’d go to school while teaching full-time. I found a position after the semester had already started; I would be the 3rd teacher or so to attempt the position. Things weren’t working out with paperwork and although the school had offered to guide me, especially in the beginning since I had no training, they weren’t really holding up their end of the bargain and I hadn’t even begun yet. I felt alone, confused, and had no one to help me. It was so terrible and over in a second. I had known that something felt wrong from the beginning but I wanted it so bad. As it turns out; maybe I should have listened to that little voice. You can only fight so much. At a certain point God must figure, ok, I’m running out of obstacles and she’s not getting this through her mind. I’ll give her what she wants and see how long it takes to realize it’s not really the answer she wanted.
So here we are now, at another crossroads. Waiting to see what happens. It’s coming down to the wire and I feel like I’m thinking in terms of maybes all the time. I’m not sure what the plan is for the future but this time it’s so much different. I’m remembering the times when things worked out, when someone was guiding me and the path was perfect. This time I’ve learned to let go and trust that it will all be okay, or I’m trying to do this anyhow. The answer might not be what I want right now, but it might be the unexpected answer I really need. This time I’m just going with the flow, something that’s not easy for a girl who likes her ducks in a straight little row months ahead of time. This time I’m recognizing that if it all falls into place, it’s probably meant to be, and if not then that’s probably a sign. Either way I’m not trying to be the one in control, and not pretending that I have a clue about anything. This time around I’m clueless and it’s perfectly fine with me because I know that God has big plans for me and will help me figure out where I need to be!
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