When I was little I wanted to grow up so I could make my own decisions and be on my own and live an exciting, grand life. Now some days I long to be little again when I don’t have to make decisions or be responsible or take care of myself. The past couple weeks have been a couple of the most stressful weeks of my life. I’m entering finals time, working overtime at work, and Mr. C and I had a huge decision to make regarding a possible move to Colorado that we’ve been dreaming of for a very long time. I’ve never been so sleep deprived and at a point I wasn’t even eating. I’m not one of those people who stops eating when they’re stressed so this was quite shocking!
It seemed as if things were falling into place time-wise, but it still didn’t feel right. My mind was racing and my decision flip-flopped constantly. I have never been so annoyed with myself! I was worried about making the wrong decision that we’d both have to live with and then later regretting it. I didn’t want to pass up a great opportunity but I also didn’t want to jump in blind and forget the many risks I kept trying to push to the back of my mind.
Mr. C came home Thursday night to find me incredibly stressed and so very confused. Somewhere I came up with an idea to just drive to Colorado in the hopes that when we arrived we’d know if the move was right for us at this point. He’s pretty used to my crazy ideas and he went with it. I love how supportive he is, even when I'm not always making sense. Saturday morning we took off for Colorado. My aunt had been telling us that we were welcome anytime and we really tested her on this! The ride was actually fairly quiet save for the amazing playlist I had going. I guess we were both deep in thought. The closer we got, the more sure we were that the move was the right choice. Sunday we drove around, talked a lot, and called our parents for advice that we didn’t really get. Parents should have all the answers, or at least that’s my belief! They didn’t want to sway us though and there wasn’t really a “right” answer. We tried to be logical – we made a budget comparing AZ to CO and a list of pros and cons that we rated on a scale of 1 to 10. Serious stuff here! Mr. C hates to do this but we did it anyhow. The budget pointed to AZ and logically we knew it was the realistic, predictable choice. In a way it was easier, but at the same time it was harder because it wasn’t what we wanted or what we had been looking forward to.
Monday we took off to drive around town again and told my aunt we’d have a decision when we returned. I felt that things were getting clearer, even if my mind was still holding a battle of its own. It was crazy to think that we’d have an answer in a few hours when I had gone a full week without a definite answer. Honestly every five minutes I’d flip-flop. It was exhausting.
My dad wasn’t up for giving much advice in the hopes of not influencing me but he suggested that I decide for myself and Mr. C decide and we then compare our answers. This wasn’t too helpful because we both had been so lost. Finally that morning I had a decision that didn’t change for over two hours, meaning that it was my record. I wanted to take a risk and go for it, hoping the struggle wouldn't be as bad as we though. Mr. C told me he thought we should stay – he wanted to go but the financial issues of the were hard to ignore. We talked and realized we both desperately wanted to take a chance and that CO was where we wanted to eventually raise a family (not happening soon though, so don’t hold your breath) but we both knew that financially it was not the right time for us. The part of town we wanted to and could live in with also being able to eat was so far from the job I was offered. We could make it work but it would be so hard and very unpredictable in an already unpredictable economy. Because we didn’t want to settle down in that area, it’d be so much harder too because we’d be paying more to live there when it wasn’t really a city we could afford and wanted to settle down in. I’d be spending a minimum of 1.5 hours driving each way and we’d be saving every penny. We’d be existing but not thriving. It was the hardest decision we’ve ever made but we made it anyhow.
We made the hard decision to stay, although we’re still sticking with our goal of making the transition when it’s right for us. Whether that happens in a year or five years, I’m proud of the way we worked together and made a responsible decision. The reasons for moving are still the same, however at this point we’ve set a new plan for the future with new goals. We’re saving our pennies, know the area that’s realistic for us, and we’re excited for the future but also for the present. We have a much clearer idea of exactly where we want to be and how to get there and clarity is always a good thing! I am excited to enjoy the friends and family we have right here that I would have missed so much.
So although our timeline and current goals have changed, I’m not giving up. My mom is always the first to remind me that I’ve always gone after what I’ve want. So, for awhile I’m looking forward to some time of enjoying life without classes, finally working on my scrapbooks, playing games, sleeping, time to actually work out and lazy afternoons with Mr. C. We’re regrouping for awhile but still determined. I’m certainly not about to start giving up now.
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