Argument for Marriage

Marriage can be hard sometimes. I hear people say things like “once we are married things will be easier” or “things will work out once we’re married” or “we’re basically married already so nothing will change once it’s official”. Nope, I don’t think any one of those statements is true. Once you’re married the pressure is on. It’s not a test run anymore, its serious stuff. You’re in it together with no magical fixes. If anything it’s harder because you’ve made this commitment to each other and you’re trying to figure everything out. I don’t care if you are living together before, it’s still different. Not that marriage is bad – with the right person with the same values I think it’s amazing – however it’s not always what you expect.

Arguing sometimes becomes more intense because there’s more pressure and you’re dealing with more issues. I’ve been hearing about a study which concludes that fighting once a week is good for marriage. Apparently Indian couples agree that fighting once a week is the key to a good marriage. I’m not positive, but I think the people of India have a better marriage rate than us in the U.S., so maybe they’re on to something. Now no one enjoys fighting, but I think of it as a good cry – sometimes it does more good than bad. Of course it all depends on HOW you fight. Fighting dirty is never good and won’t get you anywhere. But fighting/arguing helps get the issues out and ignoring things or trying to keep that perfect honeymoon stage just isn’t realistic. Arguments lead (or should) to open discussion from both parties and each trying to see the other’s point of view. No one is perfect and most people end up with someone who in some way is their opposite. With that combo, disagreements are bound to arise.

People don’t like to talk about their arguments. Some people are uncomfortable even seeing another couple argue (I’m talking minimal arguing/bickering, not serious fighting/yelling/violence). I hate being told to calm down when we’re trying to work through something, especially by a friend/parent who is simply uncomfortable with any interaction that isn’t 100% happy. Like every other couple, Mr. C and I argue. We argue about dumb stuff mostly but in its own way it’s important and it’s something that needs to happen. If we don’t argue we don’t work through our dumb issues, our not-so-dumb issues, and rid ourselves of the everyday frustrations of people living together (why the socks are ALWAYS on the floor, why the lights are left on when no one is in the room, why something didn’t get done that was important to the other one).

I have to say we argue more now that we’re married, but 99% of them are dumb. One time we were walking the dog and a discussion turned into an argument. After a few minutes I had no clue what we were arguing about, but I was determined to win! We were walking down the sidewalk looking and sounding like morons, but I just had to win! I have no idea who “won” and I probably should have just ended when I realized I forgot what we were discussing in the first place. I think we both lost sight of the real issue and were both stringing it along until we “won”. I’ve learned to suck up my pride sometimes. No one likes saying they’re wrong and I seem to have a large dose of this quality. Mr. C jokingly asks me to repeat myself if I ever say “I was wrong” because apparently it’s not the most common thing, but with time I have been making an effort to care less about the “win” and more about the end result of making up. Sometimes we laugh things off, sometimes we agree to disagree, but when we need to discuss it I’m happy that we’re able to without breaking things or calling the cops.

So, if a weekday argument is always on your itinerary as ours usually is, then hopefully that means we’re on our way to a long, happy marriage!