My grandma is 94 years old and when I think of all the changes she’s lived through it’s honestly mind-blowing. Women’s rights and the world’s view of women has changed so much in her lifetime. Unfortunately people still hold views that should be retired and men are measured on a different scale as women.
We hear songs about independent women and praise the women who do things on their own, have meaningful careers, and pave their own way. We love to love these women….in theory. Typically these powerful women we celebrate are celebrities. In real life, women are still measured by their ability to be wives and mothers and anyone not fitting into this mold is considered incomplete. There are TV shows, movies, and books about single women finally finding love. Pick up any women’s magazine and you’ll likely find articles about how to get that guy to finally talk to you. If you’re lucky the tips will work, he’ll fall in love with you, you’ll get married, and bunches of babies will soon be on the way. If not you can always hold out for the dating tips of the next month.
I love being a wife, but I’m more than that. It’s a small part of me and has shaped the woman I’ve become, however even if I wasn’t a wife anymore I’d still be me. Likewise, a mother is still a person outside of her motherhood.
A couple of weeks ago I was asked no less than three times in one week about children. The questions covered when I was having them or if I was pregnant (due to not feeling well). In any given week I’m typically asked about once a week regarding my/our plans to have kids. This happened shortly after we were married and I remember someone asking why we bothered to get married if we weren’t planning to have kids right away. I was blown away. Apparently love isn’t a good reason? I now choose my words carefully and don’t broach certain topics with certain people because I know it will inevitably lead them right into the baby questions. When did it become okay to ask such inappropriate and personal questions? I have friends who are asked when they’re getting married on a regular basis. Another friend told me that near strangers ask why she’s divorced as if this emotional event could possibly be summed up (or should) in a sentence.
I can’t imagine asking people the questions they ask me without being embarrassed. Typing them makes me cringe as it is. Not only are they very personal topics that invokes personal feelings and issues, it often seems that they are typically being nosey. My decision/my friends’ decisions don’t typically directly impact these questioners. Many times these insensitive people seem to be trying to convey that the woman not fitting the mold would feel fulfilled with children and would actually have a purpose because without being married and/or having children, the woman can’t possibly be either of those things. Women are hard enough on themselves as it is. We need to support each other rather than judging each other on perceptions.
Perhaps someone isn’t married because they love being single. Perhaps they just got out of an abusive relationship. Perhaps they had a miscarriage. Perhaps they can’t have kids. Perhaps they lost their love and are still mourning. Perhaps they are dealing with something personal they’d rather not share (nor should they need to). Perhaps they simply don’t want to be married or have children.
As an exception, there are close friends I don’t mind talking to about these things. I’ve had family members carefully and thoughtfully ask sensitive questions in a way that isn’t rude and prying, but these are very few.
We live in a diverse culture with many different lifestyles. Just because someone has made different choices , it doesn’t mean that deep down they are depressed, empty, and unfulfilled. In fact, there are studies that have shown that the childless are in fact happier than their child-rearing counterparts, like this one.
I’m not saying that being married can’t be great and that having kids isn’t amazing. I’m focusing on the idea that if a woman isn’t married or having kids by a certain time she’s judged by society. A 35-year-old single woman is looked at very different than a 35-year-old bachelor. Even the terminology used to describe the woman versus the man is different. The word “bachelor” conveys a fun attitude while “single woman” invokes a sense of pity in many people. Further, a married woman without children is apparently either heartless, selfish, or barren. It seems to be inconceivable that a woman would choose to be single or childless of her own choosing.
Each time after I’m asked these inappropriate questions I come up with all sorts of responses. Most of these responses aren’t very nice and the majority of them are inappropriate questions to direct back at the question asker. I’ve never actually invoked any of these responses. Instead I try to take the polite way out because I’m not the type of person who enjoys embarrassing someone else and I doubt this will change.
Please think the next time you decide to ask someone a question so personal. You have no idea what they may be dealing with and the feelings these questions may bring to the surface. Why not look at the person as a person without trying to force them into roles they may not want or have the power to fulfill? Why don’t we as women support each other and celebrate our freedom to make unique decisions instead.
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