Before I had a baby I thought maternity leave would be
amazing. I’d have no set schedule
and I’d be able to get so many things done and spend time with my baby. It likely would be lonely thought and
I’d be very ready to go back to work.
I was right and wrong.
Maternity leave was amazing.
I LOVED my time with Adeline.
Some mornings we slept in a bit.
She’d sit in her rocker or chair and babble as I got ready for
work. We’d play. I’d take a billion pictures. She’d take
very short naps and I’d do things around the house. I’d watch Gilmore Girls as I nursed her. Sometimes she’d sleep on me and I
didn’t move her because she looked so sweet and I knew those moments don’t last
forever. We’d go for almost daily
walks with Coconut and my mom or dad or Mr. C. We’d run errands together. She was my sidekick and she was always there.
There were days when she cried and I didn’t know why. She’s a short napper and I’d only get
downtime when she took her 2-3 naps of 45 minutes each. I was tired. I was frustrated when I couldn’t figure out why she was
crying. My back hurt and I wanted
a break. Those moments
happened. But there were so many
more good moments.
I’ve worked for as long as I can remember and I’ve worked
full time for a very long time. I
loved my time with Adeline but I also loved my time off. I loved wearing jeans EVERY SINGLE
DAY. One day I wore leggings all
day. Just one day thought, because
I’m not that casual of a person. I
also wore contacts every single day because I wasn’t staring at a computer
screen all day. I spent time with
my parents, Mr. C and had a few lunch dates in the middle of the day in the middle
of the week. I went to Target or
ran errands when I wanted. I
watched 5 seasons of Gilmore Girls while I nursed. I didn’t have to be up at a certain time unless we had an
appointment. I enjoyed not being
in an office for the best weather of the year.
Had my mom not been around and if Mr. C had worked late
every night, I’m sure I would have been lonely. If I had 2 kids things likely would have been harder as well
and I may have been counting my days until I could go back to work. Fortunately, and also unfortunately for
me, maternity leave was so much better than I expected and I never expected to
be so sad when it ended. Tomorrow
I’ll be waking up early, putting on my dress pants, taking Adeline to daycare, and
driving 45 minutes to work. I’ll
return in the evening, make dinner, and try to squeeze in everything I need to
do before the next day. I won’t be
around to take hundreds of pictures daily. I won’t spend my morning playing or reading or watching Adeline
as she babbles as I do my makeup and straighten my hair. I will be pumping at work instead of
holding my baby girl and looking into her beautiful blue eyes as she
nurses. I don’t think we could
have picked anyone better for daycare, but it’s still not me.
I can think of stages we’ve passed already. The first two weeks where we had to
hold her on our chests to get her to sleep. The hours of fussyness and crying around 8 weeks that apparently
just ended. She’s growing so fast
already. I’m reminded of that fact
by the little clothes that don’t fit anymore and the way she takes up more of
the bassinet.
I knew it would be hard going back but I never imagined it
would be like this. I have a job I
love and I hope once I get back into the routine it will be easier. We both work in public service and I’m
the one with insurance we can actually afford so staying home isn’t an option
even if we decided it’s what we wanted. I know that going back will be good. I’ll get back to my students, the ones I
genuinely care about. I’ll have
pictures all over my office of Mr. C and Adeline. I’ll have a few hours in the evenings with my family and
I’ll cherish our weekends ever more.
But, part of my heart will be at daycare with my sweet girl while the
rest of me is at work.
I have never thought of myself as an emotional person, but
becoming a mother has broken me. I
feel deeper than ever before. I
was reading a post about a couple who lost their baby. It’s something that would have always
been hard to read, but my heart aches for them and I had to stop reading for a
bit because my eyes were so full of tears. I have no idea how anyone moves on from that. Every night as I’m laying down to go to
sleep I pray that God will watch over Adeline and keep her safe. I’m so grateful that I will have my
baby girl and husband to come home to everyday but we will be in a period of
transition for a little bit while we figure out our new routine and if I’m
honest, I’ll also be mourning the loss of the stay-at-home mom version of
myself. It’s a bit dramatic, but
again, these feelings run deep now.
I’m broken which is amazing and horrible all at once.
This week will be hard. I’m not sure it’ll get easier but I assume I’ll get better
at it.
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