More than the Winter Blues

I debated posting this for quite awhile.  It's a lot to share, and I wasn't sure if it was more than I was comfortable sharing.  It's something in general I don't even discuss with my friends - it's just not something you really want to bring up or discuss.  However, in the end I felt it was important.  I was told by someone that this post puts words to a feeling they could never describe and that's what the deciding factor was for me.  I've always been better writing words than saying them and although I haven't shared what I've written with many verbally, I'm sharing it now.  If this makes a difference for just one person - either by feeling that someone else understands or just makes someone more mindful of what someone else may be going through, then it's worth posting.

Depression.


That's just a sad looking word.  I even tried changing the font to a pretty, curly font and it still looked sad.  If the shoe fits though....

Depression is something that affects so many people.  I’m not talking about momentary sadness here.  What I’m talking about is something much deeper, something that makes someone feel hopeless, angry, and careless. It often goes undetected, even by the person affected.  When you’re in something it’s hard to get perspective, it’s hard to see what’s really going on.  It creeps up gradually until you don’t know how you got to this point.  You don’t confide in anyone because you don’t really know what the problem is or how to describe it or bring it up, maybe you’re embarrassed, or perhaps you just don’t want to talk about it.  Either way, it’s a horrible thing.

In Harry Potter there are these things called dementors.  The dementors float around, ghostlike, and are used as guards at a prison.  These dementors suck the happiness out of their victims.  The victim stops fighting, stops caring, and just exists.  In the movie their eyes look empty, lonely, and oh so sad.  To me, that is depression.  It’s a lack of happiness, a lack of wanting to be productive or even move, a lack of wanting to get up every morning, a lack of desire for anything.

According to some websites, depression may affect as many as 10% of the population.  Research shows that big life changes can trigger it, and genetics may play a role.

It’s something I’ve battled since I was in junior high.  It seems to come on every year, and once I finally realized that what I was experiencing was major depression and not just me feeling down, I felt like I wasn’t crazy, the world wasn’t going to end, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  That was a few years ago.  Even now it creeps up on me without warning.  It doesn’t seem gradual although I know that it is.  I get to a point where one day I’m feeling so miserable, so hopeless that I finally realize what’s going on and that’s what gets me through.  This horrible thing snuck up on me again recently.  This year it’s been a lot harder than I remember.  It’s usually like a truck hitting me but this year it’s been like a semi, or maybe even a train of semis.

I still go to work, smile, and say good morning, I still talk to my friends, I still ask my husband how his day was, but I’m not me.  Inside I’m sad, empty, and cold.  I put on a happy face until I can’t anymore.  I try to avoid conflict and wish that people would just cut me some slack for not being my happy self 24/7.   I wish this, but I don’t tell them.  I can’t talk about it because I don’t want to start crying.  I know they won’t understand and there’s no point in trying.  If they haven't been here then there's no way for them to really understand.  I’m not looking for more judgment, just some understanding without me having to ask for it.  I don’t reach out to my friends because I just can’t; I don’t finish my projects at home, I can't write for my blog, I don’t cook even though I love to.  The couch and I are now BFFs.  I use all my energy at work, and when I get home I just want to sit down and watch TV until I go to bed and struggle to fall asleep.  I wake up after tossing and turning and feel like I haven’t slept in days, but I get up and do it all over again.  This is when it’s at its worst.

Then somehow I realize what’s going on.  I talk to someone I trust, someone I love, someone who I know will be supportive.  Just having someone know my struggles, someone to care makes a big difference.  I work on little things.  Cleaning the floors, finishing a craft project, making dinner.  The little things are big things though.  I start to realize that the feeling of hopelessness is getting smaller.  It’s still large, but instead of being a bubble covering my whole life, it’s now a big bubble with some holes.  These holes begin to tear open until eventually the bubble collapses.  And, as suddenly as it seemed to come on, it’s finally gone.  I’m me again and I no longer need the couch to be my BFF.

Although you may not always be able to see something wrong, remember that everyone around you has their own struggles, their own pains.  They may not wish to talk about them, they may not even be able to pinpoint them, but they are there, just like yours are there.  Maybe cut them some slack, listen to them, or just smile at them, because you never know when you will be the one needing someone to listen, smile, or just give you the benefit of the doubt.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving has never been a favorite holiday of mine.  It’s a lot of sitting around, cooking, eating, and then feeling stuffed.  As someone who has tried to focus on eating healthy and not overeating, this conflicts with what I feel like I should be doing!  However, over the years I’ve found myself appreciating this holiday more and more though.   I haven’t spent thanksgiving with my NE family since I moved to Arizona eight years ago.  I find myself missing them more around the holidays, but I also appreciate the wonderful family I now have here.  I really am grateful to have two wonderful families.

There’s a lot I don’t have and there are things I’d change in my life.  This is true of everyone.  But I do have a lot, and I have so many things to be thankful for.  This is true of everyone.   What we do have greatly outweighs what we don’t have.  Unfortunately, sometimes we get so wrapped up in thinking about what we don’t have that we fail to realize what we do have.

This thanksgiving I’m thankful for so many things.  I know I don’t always thank God enough for my blessings, but I really am so very blessed.

I’m thankful I have a home, a bed to keep me warm at night in the winter and cool in the summer, a kitchen where I can cook for my family, and a place to get away from the outside world.  There are many people who don’t have this.

I’m thankful that we can go out to eat sometimes and that there is food in my pantry and fridge.  Sometimes I say “there’s nothing to eat!” when nothing looks good, but I am thankful that there are options.  There are so many people in the world that don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

I’m thankful for my family.  They love me, support me, and I know they will always be there for me.  I’m thankful for my family miles away, and Mr. C’s family here who has also become my family.  It’s hard to imagine life without them. 

I’m thankful for my friends – they may be close or far, we may talk often or sporadically, but they are always there.   True friends are simply amazing and I’ve learned that they are very rare.

I’m thankful for my dog, Coconut.  She greets me every day with a wagging tail and a sloppy kiss.  She doesn’t judge me and understands when I just need some company.  I’m thankful for Oreo, my cat.  He also runs to the door (we think he doesn’t understand he’s a cat) to meet me.  He’s not as easygoing as Coconut, but he keeps us entertained and he’s completed our family for now.  They teach me about unconditional love and that’s a great thing.

I’m thankful for my husband.  I’m thankful that he’s a good man, someone I trust completely.  He listens to me ramble on.  He catches spiders for me because although I’m terrified I don’t want them to be killed.  He fills up my gas tank when I don’t want to go out at night.  He leaves me sweet reminders on my phone.  He drives me crazy at least once a day, but he’s worth it and I’m so thankful for him.

I’m thankful that I live in a country where I can blog about whatever I want without living in fear.  I can work outside the home or stay home if I choose.   I can publically attend any church of my choice.  I have so many rights I take for granted but people around the world, women around the world, don’t have these. 

This thanksgiving weekend I thought about my blessings, thanked God for all he has given me, and enjoyed some wonderful times with my family and friends.  I hope your thanksgiving was just as wonderful!

Happy Birthday Mr. C!

Mr. C is a year older today. He’s changed so much since I met him eight years ago. I’d love to post a picture but I don’t think he’d appreciate that! Let me just tell you that his hair was a bit longer, his clothes were a lot baggier, and somehow he was a bit geekier!


His gray hairs are beginning to make an appearance, but I like them. They have a sparkle about them that matches his personality.

He’s put on a couple pounds since I first met him (who hasn’t?? – and to clarify I really mean like 2 pounds) because he’s been talking to me while I’m in the kitchen, helping to taste test cookies or pies and eating the M & M's meant for cookie decorations.

He doesn’t play video games as much as he did when we first met. Instead he spends his time playing with Coconut or Oreo, taking walks with me, playing go fish or backgammon or sorry “just one more time”, watching movies snuggled up on the couch, traveling, or happily spending time doing whatever thing I’ve roped him into doing.

He’s no longer an undergrad student but was the first to graduate in his family and has a career I’m proud of. It’s hard, time consuming, and not always the easiest job, but he’s making a difference and he loves it.

At the same time, he’s still the goofy guy I fell in love with. He downloads fart apps, calls to tell me crazy things (like how he learned to turkey call, and then demonstrated it for me), and he makes me laugh a lot. Sometimes I’m just laughing at him, but it’s still laughing so it counts.

He’s still geeky, but I think he hides it better. Or, maybe I just don’t notice as much because he’s pulled me over to his side. Either way, it’s a quality in him I wouldn’t trade for anything.

He’s still the guy who would do anything for me. He’s still the nice guy I met eight years ago. He’s the one who reaches for my hand even though the car is right outside the door. He’s the guy whose one-dimple smile makes me so happy. He’s my best friend, my partner in life forever. He’s my wonderful Mr. C.

Happy Birthday Mr. C! I celebrate today because I celebrate you, everything you have been, you are, and you will become.

Garlic bread, caesar salad, and some ramblings

I grew up watching my grandmother make delicious meals and bake the best deserts ever.  EVER.  Even her toast was amazing.  Seriously, I’ve tried to replicate it but it’s just not the same.  I’m told I’m probably not slathering on the butter enough, but it’s still not the same.   I can still remember the way she’d cut the toast, the plates she always used, and I can almost taste it.  My mouth is now watering.  I couldn’t eat lemon meringue pie for years because it just wasn’t the same.  My grandmother loved to cook for other people and this was one of the ways she showed her love.  Over the years I’ve begun to realize that I’ve inherited this same trait.  I love feeding people.  When I make cookies and Mr. C doesn’t dive right in I feel like he’s rejecting me.  Yes, I do know this sounds horrible and portrays the idea that I’m trying to fatten my husband up, but I’m not!  To me, cooking/baking something from scratch takes something special, and it’s an act of love.  Cheesy yes, but I’m a bit cheesy today.

There’s something about making something from scratch that’s a little magical to me.  Anyone can buy a box, mix in the eggs and water, throw it in the oven, and call it a cake.  But when you make something from scratch, you know what you’re feeding your family, you have more control over the outcome, you understand the process and you’re putting a bit of yourself into it.  Not literally of course.

My grandmother was one of those annoying people who when you’d ask how they made something, would respond that she just “threw in” a little of this and a little of that.  She just “threw” things together to make amazing food.  I don’t think she used recipes much and unfortunately for us, she didn’t write them all too often.

Over the past few years I’ve found myself loving being in the kitchen more and more.  I own more cookbooks than any one person really needs, but I love them.  I’ve been using my cookbooks like crazy, cooking at least one new thing per week lately.  But, I find that all recipes need a bit of tweaking.  I like to say that I “fix” them.  It’s not that they aren’t good; I just like my version better!  I love cookbooks because they give me a base, an idea to start with that I probably wouldn’t have come up with on my own.  And, over the course of the past few years I’ve found that I’m one of those annoying people, the one who when you ask, says I’d be happy to give you my recipe but that’s not how I really make it because I “throw” in a little of this and a little of that.  I think we all know where I got that from.

I’m always in search of the perfect salad dressing and while I appreciate store-bought dressings because of the ease and longevity, there’s still nothing like homemade.  One night when Mr. C was working late I cooked us up a pretty darn good Italian meal.  I was extra inspired that night and made one of the best Caesar salads I’ve had in awhile.

You get two for one in this recipe post, because a few days prior to making the amazing salad, I made garlic bread for the first time ever.  Yes, ever.   My mom was big on not eating too many starchy things in the same meal, so pasta and bread don’t really go together at the dinner table for me. 

Buttery Garlic Bread

1 stick butter, softened

¼ - ½ C. Italian parsley, chopped

6 garlic cloves, finely chopped

French Loaf

You should be warned that I like it garlicky, so dial back the garlic if you’re not a huge fan.

Cut the loaf in half.  Mix the butter, Italian parsley, and garlic together in a bowl.  I threw my butter in the microwave for a few seconds to soften it up and melt it just a bit. 

Spread the buttery mixture evenly over the loaves.  Wrap each loaf half in foil and bake for 20-30 minutes at 350 degrees.  The longer you bake it, the crispier it gets.

Adapted from 100 Recipes Every Woman Should Know by Cindi Leive.

A few nights later I got home and felt inspired.  I had found a Caesar dressing recipe I planned to make.  First though, I wanted croutons.  I opened the fridge and found the garlic bread leftovers.  I had never made croutons before but it sounded pretty darn easy, which it was.  I preheated the oven to 375 and cut the bread into squares.  I spread them out over a baking sheet and baked for about 10 minutes, checking on them about every 3 minutes after that until I was satisfied with the crunchyness. 

Then I whipped up this Caesar dressing, adapted from Everyday Food by none other than Martha Stewart.

Easy Caesar Dressing

1 lemon, juiced

Scant ½ c. mayo

½ c. shredded Parmesan cheese  

2 cloves garlic

Lots of pepper (when you think you’ve got enough, add a bit more and that’ll be equal to my “lots”)

Ok here comes the hard part.  Ready?  You get all your ingredients, throw them in the blender, and blend until you’re satisfied with the consistency.  Difficult huh?  Actually, the most difficult part was fitting my spatula in between the blender blades. 

Then you just assemble with the rest of your salad –

Toss your washed lettuce (I usually use baby romaine or spring mix) in the dressing.  Top with croutons, shredded Parmesan cheese, and lots of freshly grated pepper.  Delicious!  If you make this please let me know what you think!

Blue Man Group, #55

It’s been awhile but yes, I am still alive! This weekend I felt like I was run over by the cold and sinus truck. I’ve been battling a sinus infection for the past few days and am finally back to normal! Luckily I had Mr. C to take care of me and pick me up my fav restaurant soups (that’s the only way I get soup around here when the cook – i.e. me- is under the weather).


Before I got sick we spent our Saturday celebrating Mr. C’s early birthday. He’s always wanted to see the Blue Man Group so for his b-day we got him two tickets. Lucky for me he took me along with him! His b-day isn’t for another week but I actually gave him the tickets awhile ago. Since opening tickets doesn’t involve much, I found this “blue man” pencil holder at target and decided to wrap that up for a clue. I made a big deal about it and when he opened it he thought that the pencil holder was his big gift. He tried to act like he thought it was amazing while concealing his confusion at the same time. After asking him about a million times to describe what he was holding, he finally got that it was a “blue person”. Still didn’t click. Didn’t work out quite as planned, he finally got it, found the tickets buried in the gift bag and then I spotted the genuine look of excitement I had been waiting for.

This weekend we headed to Tempe for a quick lunch before the show. It’s odd driving around ASU because so many things have changed since I was there and I’m reminded that it wasn’t just yesterday when I was working in the computer commons until 3am, having lunch in the M.U., and sleeping…er, I mean studying…in the library. It’s hard to believe it’s been four years. Geesh, I’m getting old. See how I just got off topic there? I did that the WHOLE time we were in Tempe. I wonder how I don’t drive Mr. C totally nuts sometimes. Getting back on track now though….. We went to Five Guys burgers for the first time ever. We must have not looked as confused as I thought because no one asked us if it was our first time (we get asked that a lot…to places we’ve been to frequently…so I assume that either everyone is super helpful or we always look confused). That meant that we assumed we knew what we were doing and both ordered cheeseburgers - not little cheeseburgers - and a large fry instead of a small to split. The cheeseburgers came with two patties which is more red meat than I typically eat in a month, and the fries were HUGE. I think we threw half of them away. Next time we try somewhere new I might ask for some clarification instead of just ordering. Other than that, the food was great and they give you FREE peanuts! I’m a big fan of free.


After lunch we headed to the theatre. I’m not sure what my expectations were, but they were most definitely exceeded. The show was amazing. If you haven’t been to see the amazing Blue Men, I very much recommend it. I’ve heard the Vegas show is a bit messier and crazier, but I couldn’t imagine anything better than what we saw. The best part for both of us was the “dance party” that occurred in the end, complete with lights, music, and huge inflatable balls that changed colors being passed through the crowds. It was so much fun! Mr. C loved it as well which was pretty important since it was his b-day gift! And, I finally get to check something else off my 101 list! It’s been awhile since that list has seen any action!


By popular demand, I’ll be posting a recipe for you tomorrow. Two posts in a row! I’ll be on a roll then ;)