Maternity Leave Reflections

Before I had a baby I thought maternity leave would be amazing.  I’d have no set schedule and I’d be able to get so many things done and spend time with my baby.  It likely would be lonely thought and I’d be very ready to go back to work.  I was right and wrong.  Maternity leave was amazing.  I LOVED my time with Adeline.  Some mornings we slept in a bit.  She’d sit in her rocker or chair and babble as I got ready for work.  We’d play.  I’d take a billion pictures. She’d take very short naps and I’d do things around the house.  I’d watch Gilmore Girls as I nursed her.  Sometimes she’d sleep on me and I didn’t move her because she looked so sweet and I knew those moments don’t last forever.  We’d go for almost daily walks with Coconut and my mom or dad or Mr. C.  We’d run errands together.  She was my sidekick and she was always there.

There were days when she cried and I didn’t know why.  She’s a short napper and I’d only get downtime when she took her 2-3 naps of 45 minutes each.  I was tired.  I was frustrated when I couldn’t figure out why she was crying.  My back hurt and I wanted a break.  Those moments happened.  But there were so many more good moments. 

I’ve worked for as long as I can remember and I’ve worked full time for a very long time.  I loved my time with Adeline but I also loved my time off.  I loved wearing jeans EVERY SINGLE DAY.  One day I wore leggings all day.  Just one day thought, because I’m not that casual of a person.  I also wore contacts every single day because I wasn’t staring at a computer screen all day.  I spent time with my parents, Mr. C and had a few lunch dates in the middle of the day in the middle of the week.  I went to Target or ran errands when I wanted.   I watched 5 seasons of Gilmore Girls while I nursed.  I didn’t have to be up at a certain time unless we had an appointment.  I enjoyed not being in an office for the best weather of the year.

Had my mom not been around and if Mr. C had worked late every night, I’m sure I would have been lonely.  If I had 2 kids things likely would have been harder as well and I may have been counting my days until I could go back to work.  Fortunately, and also unfortunately for me, maternity leave was so much better than I expected and I never expected to be so sad when it ended.  Tomorrow I’ll be waking up early, putting on my dress pants, taking Adeline to daycare, and driving 45 minutes to work.  I’ll return in the evening, make dinner, and try to squeeze in everything I need to do before the next day.  I won’t be around to take hundreds of pictures daily.  I won’t spend my morning playing or reading or watching Adeline as she babbles as I do my makeup and straighten my hair.  I will be pumping at work instead of holding my baby girl and looking into her beautiful blue eyes as she nurses.  I don’t think we could have picked anyone better for daycare, but it’s still not me. 

I can think of stages we’ve passed already.  The first two weeks where we had to hold her on our chests to get her to sleep.  The hours of fussyness and crying around 8 weeks that apparently just ended.  She’s growing so fast already.  I’m reminded of that fact by the little clothes that don’t fit anymore and the way she takes up more of the bassinet.

I knew it would be hard going back but I never imagined it would be like this.  I have a job I love and I hope once I get back into the routine it will be easier.  We both work in public service and I’m the one with insurance we can actually afford so staying home isn’t an option even if we decided it’s what we wanted.   I know that going back will be good.  I’ll get back to my students, the ones I genuinely care about.  I’ll have pictures all over my office of Mr. C and Adeline.  I’ll have a few hours in the evenings with my family and I’ll cherish our weekends ever more.  But, part of my heart will be at daycare with my sweet girl while the rest of me is at work. 

I have never thought of myself as an emotional person, but becoming a mother has broken me.  I feel deeper than ever before.  I was reading a post about a couple who lost their baby.  It’s something that would have always been hard to read, but my heart aches for them and I had to stop reading for a bit because my eyes were so full of tears.  I have no idea how anyone moves on from that.  Every night as I’m laying down to go to sleep I pray that God will watch over Adeline and keep her safe.  I’m so grateful that I will have my baby girl and husband to come home to everyday but we will be in a period of transition for a little bit while we figure out our new routine and if I’m honest, I’ll also be mourning the loss of the stay-at-home mom version of myself.  It’s a bit dramatic, but again, these feelings run deep now.  I’m broken which is amazing and horrible all at once. 

This week will be hard.  I’m not sure it’ll get easier but I assume I’ll get better at it.

Asparagus Mushroom Pasta

Pasta makes a lot of appearances in the Centner house. It’s so versatile; it can be fancied up for a gourmet meal or be something simple and comforting.   It’s easy to make a lot at once and it saves for leftovers.  Plus, it comes in fun shapes which is a selling point in itself.

I’ve been looking for some easy meals lately and realized I’d never shared this one on the blog.  This pasta dish is one of my favorites and something that’s evolved over time.  I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as we do!

1 bunch asparagus, cut into 1 inch pieces

¼ c. chopped sundried tomatoes

2-3 c. baby bella mushrooms, sliced

16 oz. bowtie pasta

1 pkg. Boursin cheese (I prefer the chive flavor)

3 Tb. butter

Olive oil

Turn the oven to 350 degrees while you chop the vegetables.  Place the asparagus on a baking sheet and lightly drizzle with olive oil.  Add salt and pepper as desired.  Bake for 15-20 minutes or until slightly roasted.  Set aside.

In the meantime put a large pot of water to boil for the pasta.

Heat up some olive oil in a skillet.  Add the sliced mushrooms and sauté until the mushrooms are dark brown and cooked throughout, about 8 minutes.  Set aside.

Once the pot of water is boiling, prepare the pasta as directed to al dente.  Save 1 c. of pasta water before draining pasta. 

Set the pasta aside and in the same pot, combine butter, Boursin cheese, and reserved water.  Heat on medium until cheese and butter are melted.  Add in the cooked pasta, asparagus, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes, and mix well, ensuring all the pasta is coated with the sauce.

These Days

These days a lot of moments are intense.  They are tear-at-my-heartstrings happy or pull-my-hair-out-moments.  Baby life has consumed us for weeks and waking up to see sweet Adeline’s face seems like it will always be a novelty.  Each day is full of new discoveries and observations on her part as well as ours.

These days are hard. The afternoons of refusing naps and then crying because she's overtired. The nights of groggily waking and feeding her when I'd really love a full 12 hours of solid sleep. The pumping sessions hearing compressions from a motor rather than gazing at my baby as she swallows and rests her little hand on my chest. The spit ups in my freshly washed hair and the shirt I just put on. The nights of never eating dinner at the same time as my husband or parents, or whoever else we are with because the last couple weeks at that time she's crying or hungry or both.

These days are also great. The morning cuddles. The smiles and coos as she sits in her chair listening and watching me while I get ready for the day. The floor time when we play together or just take turns smiling at each other. The tons of pictures I take daily. The walks around the neighborhood in the afternoon, Adeline in the stroller and Coconut on her leash enjoying the cool weather. Adeline and I eating lunch with my parents during the week. Seeing my husband at 3pm on a Wednesday when I’d usually be at work. Cleaning and doing laundry during the day rather than after the sun has gone down. Being one of those people who can go to target and the grocery store during the middle of the week in the middle of the day. Having no schedule at all and getting paid for being with my family rather than at work.

We’ve adjusted to the huge shift in our lives and I’d say we’re thriving.  We have our moments but there are not breaks and we’re getting the hang of things.  Soon things will change again. These 10 weeks have flown by but they also have gone slow. It seems like ages ago that I was sending graduation plans to students at work and cleaning off my desk nightly in case I went into labor that night. I wonder if I will remember everything when I return to work. Instead of spending the day at home I will be getting up earlier, dropping my daughter off with someone she doesn't know, going to work, pumping multiple times a day between trying to do everything else, and then returning home to see my daughter and husband for a small sliver of the day before I do it again. I am not someone who ever wanted to stay home full time and I'm not sure I'm entirely cut out for that even if I do love my daughter with my whole being.  I also love my job and I love being outside of my home, making a difference for students and interacting with adults. But, the reality is that I will have the same responsibilities once I go back to work that will still have to be done after work. Laundry and cleaning and cooking, and maybe a little time for me. And, let's not forget about cleaning those lovely pump parts that will be happening multiple times a day.  Oh and worrying.  I will also be worrying in between my work tasks.

I worry that she still won't take a bottle by the time I do back to work. I worry that she won't nap at daycare because it will be different and she doesn’t sleep in a crib and sometimes she just wants to be held for a nap. I worry that I won't be there to hold her and comfort her when she cries. I worry that I won't see her much during the week and I’ll be so tired from doing everything that needs to be done.

The reality is that I do want to return to work and regardless I HAVE to return to work. We both work in public service so one income just won't cut it.  I also see value exposing her to daycare with other kids and other people with whom she can interact.  I will return to the work that I take pride in, to the students I’ve grown attached to.  I will sympathize even more with the moms taking 12 credits, working 40 hours a day, and trying to find some time to see their kids, all while earning A’s.

But, it will be hard. I'm sure I will cry as I leave her. I'm sure I will cry as I'm pumping at work and missing her eyes looking up at me. I'm sure I will cry when I have to put her to bed early because she's fussy even though I didn't get to spend quality time with her. I'm sure I will cry because I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I’m sure the reasons I will cry will continue to change over the years.  But, we will adapt.  We will adjust.  We will learn how to thrive.  And I will try to not be so hard on myself.  I will hang onto the moments and know that the hard ones will pass, as will the joyful ones.  I am thankful for this life we’ve built – the life full of experiences before Adeline and all of the amazing experiences we have before us.

16 highlights of 2016

I rang in 2016 having just purchased a house we had called home for some time, feeling settled in my job and like I was where I was meant to be, and dreaming of a baby in the new year.

I ring in 2017 slightly tired but feeling blessed.  Our little girl is soundly sleeping in her rocker and my husband is watching the ball drop next to me.  We spent the evening having pizza and playing games with my brother, sister-in-law, and three beautiful nieces. 

I love the end of the year because it’s a time to review the past year and refocus for the new one.  This year has brought so many happy moments along with some heartbreaking ones.  Below are my top 16 moments from 2016.

1. Celebrating an early anniversary in Disneyland with Mr. C.  We got engaged in Disneyland and it’s always held a special place in my heart.  We hadn’t been able to go for a couple years due to my plantar fascitis and all the walking, so we were extra excited about this trip.  We even made it to the San Diego Zoo and the beach.

2. Making our home really ours.  We ripped out the carpet from the bedrooms and replaced it with engineered hardwood that we laid ourselves.  I love the way the floors turned out and I’m so proud of us for doing it ourselves.

3. The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I had taken two tests previously days before and thought I had an early miscarriage due to some other signs.  I was so heartbroken, so when I saw that the test was positive I was in shock, a little anxious, and excited.

4. Sharing our news.  I tried thinking of my favorite reactions but there were too many.  This is actually a bunch of moments and they were all great.

5. Becoming a mother.  I put this separate from the positive test, and separate from the birth because I was Adeline’s mother for 9 months before the birth.  I had a bit of a rough pregnancy but I did what I needed to do for her to be as healthy as possible.   I loved feeling her little kicks, even the kicks to the ribs.  I knew she was fine when she was kicking around in there.

6. Having my best friend visit us in AZ not once but twice.  The first trip was actually the day I took the first pregnancy blood test so I was able to share the news with her in person which was amazing.  We had so much fun with her and I think I spent more time with her in 2016 than I had the past few years combined.  Things are certainly different now and I’m glad we had that time together.

7. Finding out that our baby was a girl.  We had done a genetic test which also told us the gender.  I had thought I would maybe try to wait until I could find out with Mr. C, but I was so excited when I got the call that I couldn’t wait any longer.  I squealed with joy on the phone when I heard the news.   I had always pictured a daughter when I thought about the future and I was beyond thrilled.

8. Meeting so many amazing, supportive people – from the three amazing midwives we worked with, to the doula, to our photographer, to the amazing L & D nurses.  I was sad when I realized I wouldn’t be seeing some of these people again, or very frequently, but I’m so thankful they were a part of our journey.

9. The multiple baby showers.  Two were surprises and two were not.  I still can’t believe I was thrown four showers; I never in my wildest dreams expected that.  They were all amazing and I was, and still am, truly touched by everyone who organized them and showed up to celebrate Baby C.

10. The birth of Adeline.  The birth itself was so empowering and was exactly what I had hoped for.  I went in knowing things could change but also feeling very strongly about certain things.  We had such a supportive group of midwives and a hospital where the natural things we wanted were standard.  I still feel very lucky to have been able to experience things the way I wanted.  When I caught Adeline and pulled her to my chest it was the best version of what I had imagined.

11. So many fun moments with friends.  From my first hockey game, to dinner at the Improv, to a battle of the bands at our church, to dinners and lunches together, there were so many moments spent with friends.

12. Again I’m grouping some things together here – the days I got emails from students thanking me for helping them.  I’m not raking in the money and I didn’t plan this path, but I truly love what I do and I feel like I’m making a difference.  I take pride in my work and love seeing students reach their goals.

13. Spending Thanksgiving with so much family again; my aunt, cousins, uncle, brother-in-law, Mr. C’s grandma, my parents, husband, a couple friends, and of course Adeline.

14. Watching my parents with Adeline.  My mom has always been so supportive in my life and continues to be that way.  She was with me for the birth and although she’s not a baby person generally, she loves holding Adeline and is great at calming her down.  I had different expectations for my dad since he’s not necessarily the mushy type, but he’s surprised me with how much he loves holding her, talking to her, and how concerned he is when she cries.  I am pretty positive he will be spoiling her.

15. Being able to see my grandma hold Adeline. My grandma has been declining healthwise for awhile, and at thanksgiving we really didn’t think she would make it to Christmas.  She did make it though, and although she may not have known who we were or who Adeline was to her, the joy we saw when my grandma held Adeline and her laughter from watching Adeline smile was truly amazing.  I was blessed to get a picture of my grandma, mom, myself, and Adeline – capturing four generations.

16. The last of my top moments has to be the first time I saw Adeline smile, and every smile since.  Her smile and laugh melts my heart and makes me so happy.  If Mr. C is laughing along with her that’s truly the best.

Not on the list, but there were so many smaller moments that are really big.  I really love those quiet nights at home watching a movie or playing backgammon with Mr. C.  Our life is a little different now but some of my favorite moments include an evening with some low lights on, sitting on the couch with Mr. C next to me, something good on the TV, and now Adeline in my arms.

There were certainly some sad moments in 2016.  At 5 weeks pregnant I went to the hospital for bleeding.  I was terrified and worried about losing my baby.  It was at that moment that I really felt like a mom.  I was willing to do whatever was needed to keep my baby safe.  Although it was scary, an amazing friend took me so I wouldn’t be alone.  She kept me calm and made me believe that everything just may be okay (which it clearly was).  I’m so very thankful for her for so many reasons.

I spent a large portion of 2016 not feeling very well with not much to do about it.  I was nauseous for months at the beginning and end of my pregnancy.  I felt like I experienced so many of the not fun things about pregnancy and I dealt with some depression for the first time in a couple years, however I knew it would be worth it.  It was and I’m doing great now.  I recovered quickly, felt back to my old self, and the prenatal depression subsided, but I’d definitely say that pregnancy and my body weren’t too copasetic. 

My grandma has gone downhill and at Thanksgiving I said goodbye to her on the phone.  I could barely get the words out and it tore at my heart.  We’ve been able to see her since being back in Nebraska.  She has her moments where it’s still her, but she’s a shell of the person she was, and I know someday soon she’ll be joining my grandpa in heaven.  It’s hard to see her like this.  I remember playing games with her, the way she’d laugh her deep laugh, and her love of chocolate.

I am looking forward to our new experiences as a family of three in 2017.  I’ve set some new goals for myself and for our family.  I wish you a wonderful start to 2017 and a truly blessed year.  Thank you for being a part of our lives!