A Woman's Worth

My grandma is 94 years old and when I think of all the changes she’s lived through it’s honestly mind-blowing.  Women’s rights and the world’s view of women has changed so much in her lifetime.  Unfortunately people still hold views that should be retired and men are measured on a different scale as women.

We hear songs about independent women and praise the women who do things on their own, have meaningful careers, and pave their own way.  We love to love these women….in theory.  Typically these powerful women we celebrate are celebrities.  In real life, women are still measured by their ability to be wives and mothers and anyone not fitting into this mold is considered incomplete.  There are TV shows, movies, and books about single women finally finding love.  Pick up any women’s magazine and you’ll likely find articles about how to get that guy to finally talk to you.  If you’re lucky the tips will work, he’ll fall in love with you, you’ll get married, and bunches of babies will soon be on the way.  If not you can always hold out for the dating tips of the next month.

I love being a wife, but I’m more than that.  It’s a small part of me and has shaped the woman I’ve become, however even if I wasn’t a wife anymore I’d still be me.  Likewise, a mother is still a person outside of her motherhood.

A couple of weeks ago I was asked no less than three times in one week about children.  The questions covered when I was having them or if I was pregnant (due to not feeling well).  In any given week I’m typically asked about once a week regarding my/our plans to have kids.  This happened shortly after we were married and I remember someone asking why we bothered to get married if we weren’t planning to have kids right away.  I was blown away.   Apparently love isn’t a good reason?  I now choose my words carefully and don’t broach certain topics with certain people because I know it will inevitably lead them right into the baby questions.  When did it become okay to ask such inappropriate and personal questions?   I have friends who are asked when they’re getting married on a regular basis.  Another friend told me that near strangers ask why she’s divorced as if this emotional event could possibly be summed up (or should) in a sentence.

I can’t imagine asking people the questions they ask me without being embarrassed.  Typing them makes me cringe as it is.  Not only are they very personal topics that invokes personal feelings and issues, it often seems that they are typically being nosey.  My decision/my friends’ decisions don’t typically directly impact these questioners.  Many times these insensitive people seem to be trying to convey that the woman not fitting the mold would feel fulfilled with children and would actually have a purpose because without being married and/or having children, the woman can’t possibly be either of those things.   Women are hard enough on themselves as it is.  We need to support each other rather than judging each other on perceptions.

Perhaps someone isn’t married because they love being single.  Perhaps they just got out of an abusive relationship.  Perhaps they had a miscarriage.   Perhaps they can’t have kids. Perhaps they lost their love and are still mourning.  Perhaps they are dealing with something personal they’d rather not share (nor should they need to).  Perhaps they simply don’t want to be married or have children. 

As an exception, there are close friends I don’t mind talking to about these things.   I’ve had family members carefully and thoughtfully ask sensitive questions in a way that isn’t rude and prying, but these are very few. 

We live in a diverse culture with many different lifestyles.  Just because someone has made different choices , it doesn’t mean that deep down they are depressed, empty, and unfulfilled.  In fact, there are studies that have shown that the childless are in fact happier than their child-rearing counterparts, like this one.

I’m not saying that being married can’t be great and that having kids isn’t amazing.  I’m focusing on the idea that if a woman isn’t married or having kids by a certain time she’s judged by society.  A 35-year-old single woman is looked at very different than a 35-year-old bachelor.  Even the terminology used to describe the woman versus the man is different.  The word “bachelor” conveys a fun attitude while “single woman” invokes a sense of pity in many people.   Further, a married woman without children is apparently either heartless, selfish, or barren.  It seems to be inconceivable that a woman would choose to be single or childless of her own choosing.

Each time after I’m asked these inappropriate questions I come up with all sorts of responses.  Most of these responses aren’t very nice and the majority of them are inappropriate questions to direct back at the question asker.  I’ve never actually invoked any of these responses.  Instead I try to take the polite way out because I’m not the type of person who enjoys embarrassing someone else and I doubt this will change.

Please think the next time you decide to ask someone a question so personal.  You have no idea what they may be dealing with and the feelings these questions may bring to the surface.  Why not look at the person as a person without trying to force them into roles they may not want or have the power to fulfill?  Why don’t we as women support each other and celebrate our freedom to make unique decisions instead.

Santa Barbara Getaway, Part 2

We began our first full day of vacation with a hike.  If someone had told me six months ago that I’d be suggesting hiking on a vacation, I would have laughed at them, but suggest I did.  We found a trail online and after breakfast we headed there.  The trail started in a neighborhood that I can honestly say was the cutest, most beautiful neighborhood I’ve ever seen.  I informed Mr. C that I had updated my lotto living to that neighborhood.  We passed houses with shutters, window boxes, and white picket fences. 

The hike was a nice change from the brown surroundings in our AZ hikes.  The trail was next to a creek and we were able to hear the running water most of the time.  There were wildflowers everywhere (and apparently poisonous plants I found out later).

After cleaning up we headed to the closest beach for lunch.  We ate fresh fish on the pier; fish and chips for me and fish tacos for Mr. C.  Both were super good and so fresh.

I prefer to blend in on vacation and being asked if we’re local is one of the most flattering things for me.  One time in Sedona we got a discount at an ice cream shop for being locals.  That was a proud day!  Anyhow, we wanted a beach that wasn’t covered with tourists so Mr. C found the perfect one, Butterfly Beach.  It didn’t have facilities so it was mainly frequented by locals and Four Seasons’ guests.  I napped on the beach, read for awhile, and people watched.  It was a leash-free beach so many people brought their dogs for walks.  I loved watching the dogs run by.  One dog was chasing a bird through the water (the bird was fine) and he looked like he was having the time of his life.  Another dog was playing fetch with his owner and ran up to Mr. C. with his ball.  The dog went on with his owner after a few moments and on his way back he ran over to Mr. C and laid down on his towel, apparently ready for a nap of his own.  Everyone was so friendly and it ended up being the quite beach we had hoped for.

We made it back to the B & B for wine time again and ate a bit before heading out for our walk down State Street.  This time we were early enough to check out some of the shops.  One of them had some very funky, fun things and we wanted to buy everything, but as I mentioned, we have not yet won the lottery.  We both saw a picture we loved and after some intense conversation, we decided to sleep on it.  We have some beautiful pictures in our house but we’ve never bought anything real together (I’m not counting Hobby Lobby canvases as real).  My favorite items in our house are those that remind me of a person, a plac, or a moment so this picture was right up my alley because it represented a couple trips for me.  Mr. C is the practical one of us so he took a bit of convincing and in the end we decided to sleep on it.

We walked around looking for a dinner place and found a cute pizza place that just so happened to be giving out free appetizers for signing up online.  We just so happen to love free things so we gave it a shot.  Dinner was delicious and our meatball appetizers were the best meatballs I’ve ever had.  Because we split everything we weren’t super full.  This came in handy when we passed McConnell's, an ice cream shop.  We got in line and within minutes the line was out the door, easily a 30 minute wait.  I ordered the salted caramel with chocolate and Mr. C got something not as amazing (it wasn’t as amazing because it wasn’t the salted caramel).

Saturday morning we woke up to the smell of something sweet baking.  We were served brioche French toast with a hint of fresh orange.  After breakfast we took a walk around the surrounding neighborhood.  One of my very favorite things to do is look at houses.  If we’re driving in a cute neighborhood I am constantly distracted by the houses.  Don’t even get me started on how amazing it is when the people in those cute houses leave the lights on at night so I can actually see in when I’m driving by.  Maybe it’s the designer in me but I just love checking out other people’s style.  Mr. C participated in the “check out that cute house” game during the walk and we picked out our favorites.  Some had huge roses in the front, others had pretty porches perfect for morning tea, and others looked like they needed a bit of help.  In general the houses were all unique and had so much personality. 

After our leisurely walk we took another long walk to the shop we had been at the night before and there we bought our very first legit piece of art.  It was small and very reasonably priced, however it was a bit more than our usual ½ priced Hobby Lobby picture.  We found out later that the artist was a local and former architect now following his passion.  Although it hasn’t been hung yet, I love it.

We checked out of our hotel and headed to The Old Mission, built in 1786.  The building itself and the surrounding rose garden were beautiful.  I’ve never seen so many unique roses in one place.

We found a local sandwich shop for lunch and sat outside eating a couple of the best sandwiches ever made.

We finished the trip with a quick stop at the beach to listen to the waves for one last time.

The trip was one of my favorites.   We didn’t have many expectations going into the trip and that in itself was pretty great.  We spent most of the trip looking at beautiful things, relaxing, eating, and walking.  If you haven’t had the pleasure of visiting Santa Barbara, I can’t recommend it enough!

Santa Barbara Getaway, Part 1

As you may remember, Mr. C and I spent our 7^th anniversary car shopping.  While that experience was super fun, we decided to plan a real weekend getaway to California during spring break as our first non-family related trip in quite awhile.  I’ve been super indecisive lately and two weeks before we were set to leave we hadn’t booked anything or even decided on a price.  We ended up booking a B & B in Santa Barbara at 11:30 on a Wednesday night.  I had done a little research and gotten some suggestions, but I really didn’t have a clue what we were going to do.  I am a planner so this was all very unlike me, but it was amazing. 

We took off for our trip without much more info that the evening we booked the B & B.  I drove for most of the morning while Mr. C napped a bit.  I can’t even begin to explain how much I love road trips.  My very favorite moments are the ones early in the morning or late at night when traffic is light, Mr. C is usually asleep, and I feel like I’m one of the only people experiencing the moment and seeing that beautiful sight at that very moment.  My moment this trip was in the morning when the mountains were breaking through the low clouds to my left and to the right the sun was lighting up the sky.  The road curved just as my favorite song came on and suddenly the low clouds broke enough for me to see the mountains and landscape in the valley below.  It was the perfect start to our weekend getaway.

We had a bit of an incident in Indio when the gas didn’t shut off, sprayed all over my car, my pants, and our shoes, and we ended up detouring to a gas station and Target.  We decided to just eat in Pasadena since neither of us thought we could hold out another two hours.  Mr. C found us a super fancy restaurant we weren’t feeling and we ended up going next door to Four Cafe.  The food was amazing, the staff was super friendly, and it was so nice to have a relaxing lunch outside.

After lunch we continued to Solvang, a Dutch town suggested by Mr. C’s cousin.  I don’t realize how much I miss the masses of greenness until we travel and I see these masses.  The drive from Santa Barbara to Solvang was one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.  As we drove through the mountains we were overwhelmed with so many shades of green.  After about 10 minutes I declared that this was my new lottery location.  You better believe that if we win the jackpot this is where I’ll be.  We finally made it to Solvang where we were greeted with little shops, bakeries, and some of the prettiest picket-white-fence houses you’ve ever seen.  We got some ice cream and walked around checking out the shops.  Ice cream in the middle of the day says to me -“I’m on vacation and I can do whatever I want”.

The bed and breakfast we stayed at included a couple converted houses nestled in the kind of neighborhood everyone dreams of.  The smell of fresh lilies (one of my all time favorite smells) hit us as we walked into the house.  Every evening the B & B serves wine and snacks from 5-6 and we made it just in time.  We ate a bit, settled into our room, and headed out to walk to dinner.  One of the reasons we picked this B & B (aside from all the included food) was because of it’s location to State Street, an area with a bunch of unique shops and restaurants, and the beach.

Apparently the phrase “within walking distance” means something different to everyone.   Walking 2 miles to the beach and then back doesn’t really scream “walking distance” to me, especially if you plan to haul along some towels.  We got in plenty of steps each day though and being able to walk to dinner was pretty amazing.

Stay tuned for part 2!