An open letter to the expectant mommy

This is meant as an open letter to anyone who is expecting, but I wrote it thinking of two of my dear friends who are expecting.  One who will be welcoming a baby girl any day now and one who will be welcoming a little boy in a couple months.  It actually started as an actual hand-written letter which morphed into this. 

Your little one will be here any day now.  I am so excited for you.  I’m excited for you to feel the pure joy and love when you hold your little one in your arms.  It’s amazing how someone so small can change your life forever.  Nine months in I’m certainly no expert, but I’d like to share part of my journey as you transition into the next phase of yours.

I never felt as bonded during pregnancy as I felt like I should.  I felt so sick and I was unsure of how I’d handle being a mom.  I didn’t grow up around babies like a lot of other people.  I worried I wouldn’t bond with my daughter.  When she was born I remember it feeling surreal (not the labor part!).  It was so strange that I was suddenly responsible for this little person.  I had grown her and done everything I could to keep her safe and healthy, but I had never seen her before.  During those first few hours I held her, fed her, and stared at all of her tiny features.  She was perfect.  By the end of the day I would have walked through fire for her.  I wasn’t fully prepared for the love that flooded parts of my hearts I didn’t know I had.   Those first few hours are sacred and you can’t get them back.  Hold her, bond, and don’t feel obligated to let anyone else hold her until you’re ready.  Someone told me that and I was so very grateful. 

Many things were easier than I anticipated.  I always worried I wouldn’t know what to do when she cried.  Sometimes I didn’t, but it was okay.  I figured it out.  I was patient when nothing helped.  I didn’t realize how heartbreaking her cries would be.  The sound still breaks my heart.

Other things were hard.  I couldn’t have ever imagined the sheer exhaustion those first few weeks.  I remember a couple days I was alone and had no idea how I’d make it through the day.  One day I had the flu and the baby didn’t care.   I found strength I didn’t think I had.

 I would be relieved she finally fell asleep but my heart would ache because I missed her.  I can’t say that’s changed.

Once you figure things out, it’s time for them to change.  I remember sleeping almost through the night a couple times, and then a sleep regression happened.  I haven’t slept a straight 8 hours since the beginning of my pregnancy.

I am a worrier but I’ve never worried so much.  Is she breathing?  Is her head too flat?  I googled the flat head thing at 2am during a feeding.  I was convinced she needed a helmet.  She’s fine; her head is perfect.  Nothing good comes from google after a certain time of night.  My husband accepted that I’d check to ensure she was breathing every 10 minutes.  It’s gotten better but it’s still a nightly thing.  Every night when I go to bed I pray for her.  When she was tiny I’d hold her hand for a minute before I went to sleep, but now I don’t dare touch the sleeping baby.

Things changed so much more than I ever thought.  My daughter isn’t the best sleeper which means that on a good day when I’m home I have 2 total hours of naptime which are spent running around the house to get things done.  My time is even more precious and it’s hard for me to commit to a weeknight dinner with friends because I know I won’t get to see her.  There’s just not enough time each night.

I have very strong opinions.  We’ve researched and we know what is best for us, but there are always so many people who can’t be pleased.  They offer their suggestions for things I’d never do and I just smile and nod.  I know what works for us and for the most part I follow my instincts.  They are there for a reason.

I feel so special to be this little girl’s mom.  I’ve lost myself more than I assumed I would and I don’t care.  I wasn’t warned about that.

So, I have a few pieces of advice for you.  Don’t doubt yourself; you know your baby better than anyone else does.  “I’ll keep that in mind” is a helpful phrase.  Ask for help.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  Don’t google things at 2 am. Don’t do what society tells you to; do what your instincts tell you to do.  Build your tribe.  There are so many facebook support groups with amazing women.   There are always things to be done but you’ll never regret playing longer and holding your baby longer.  Take pictures because it really does go so fast.  Remember that you’re doing great.  And finally, remember I am always here for you.  My phone lives on silent now but I am here.  Text, call, snap, facebook, whatever.  I have no doubt that you will be an amazing mother and I am so excited for you.

Saying Goodbye

I wrote most of this over a week ago, but wasn’t quite finished.  Everything takes a little bit longer to do with a little human and a full-time job.

I could hear it in his voice as I listened to my message. I actually had an inkling when I saw his name come up on my phone as we were finishing dinner, so I didn't answer. I called him back and knew instantly. My sweet grandma had passed away earlier that evening. We all knew it was coming and I had said goodbye more times than I could count. I knew when I saw her at Christmas that it would be my last time with her.  She was sick, had lost her memory and a lot of her spirit, and I'm happy she's not in pain, but losing someone is always hard, even if there wasn’t a lot of them left to lose.

I had two amazing grandmothers, both special in their own way.  My mom's mom was the one I considered my "cool" grandma. She had her eye makeup tattooed on; she dressed in bright colors and wore things you wouldn't picture a grandmother in. She didn't leave her bedroom before she was dressed with makeup even when she wasn’t leaving the house all day. I think that's part of why I tend to do the same.  I always admired that she wanted to look her best for no one but herself.  She stayed up late watching scary movies and slept in until 9 unlike most of the other grandmas I knew. She’d scratch your arm until you became sleepy, gave the best hugs, and talked to me like I was a full-grown person before I really was. She called me out when I was 7 because I’d clearly cheated in a duo solitaire game.  She and my grandpa lived in Scottsdale rather than Sun City and they went to some pretty hip places to eat. She was the most organized person I’ve ever met.  She loved her label maker and lists and may be the reason I love post-it notes so much. She had a great sense of humor and was most definitely an optimist. When something made her happy she'd say she was "tickled" about it. She was a giving person and loved sharing what she had.  Everyone who knew her loved her because she was easy to love.

My grandma loved games, particularly backgammon. When Mr. C played her the first few times I could tell he was going easy and letting her win. I warned him. It wasn't long until he realized that my grandma played to win and took chances that usually paid off. She loved keeping score and when she lost by a lot she’d say you “skunked” her.  As she got older she still continued to beat us, even after falling asleep during the game for a few minutes (this happened a lot).

In our sugar eating days my grandma always had oatmeal raisin cookies for Mr. C when we visited and she'd send him home with a big bag.  He was like a 5 year old, always excited about the cookies and taking a bag home.  I know they liked the cookies too, but I really think she always made sure to have them for when we stopped over.

It was no secret that my grandma loved chocolate and nuts and ice cream, preferably all eaten together.  She also loved eating her desert first and made it known that she had no desire to carry on a conversation while she was trying to enjoy her desert.  When I was younger we’d pick up pints of dairy queen soft serve and hot fudge and take it to their house for desert.  My grandma always had roasted peanuts waiting for the Sundays.  I, of course, loved the hot fudge the most and most times my grandma would let me lick the hot fudge serving spoon off once we were done.  She even encouraged loading the spoon up with the fudge before licking it, ensuring that I basically ate a big spoon full of fudge.

My grandpa kissed my grandma goodnight every single night before heading to bed.  They were an amazing couple and their long lasting love and friendship is something I strive for in my own marriage.  They certainly had their moments, and they had been through a lot; young teenagers who got together even though her family didn’t approve, newlyweds with a baby separated at wartime when my grandpa enlisted and was deployed, later my grandpa becoming an entrepreneur in many areas and my grandma a homemaker who sewed clothes for her kids and taught Sunday school, and finally a retired couple who had come so far from where they started.  They were a couple who raised three kids, had 10 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, and 78 years of marriage.  When my grandma got too sick to be home, it broke my grandpa’s heart, but he visited her everyday.

My grandma had been disappearing one piece at a time, but it’s odd to know that I won’t visit her again when I go back home.  I won’t wonder if she’ll know me or what her mood will be.

I will think of my grandma when I see something lime green, when I play backgammon on the very loved board she gave me, when I see a label, or eat a hot fudge Sunday.

I see her in my mom so much; in her hands; in the way she clasps them together and the way she holds Adeline’s hand.  Last week her laugh sounded like my grandma’s laugh I remember so well.

I will remember my grandma as a loving and kind soul and honor her by striving my best to be like her. 

Maternity Leave Reflections

Before I had a baby I thought maternity leave would be amazing.  I’d have no set schedule and I’d be able to get so many things done and spend time with my baby.  It likely would be lonely thought and I’d be very ready to go back to work.  I was right and wrong.  Maternity leave was amazing.  I LOVED my time with Adeline.  Some mornings we slept in a bit.  She’d sit in her rocker or chair and babble as I got ready for work.  We’d play.  I’d take a billion pictures. She’d take very short naps and I’d do things around the house.  I’d watch Gilmore Girls as I nursed her.  Sometimes she’d sleep on me and I didn’t move her because she looked so sweet and I knew those moments don’t last forever.  We’d go for almost daily walks with Coconut and my mom or dad or Mr. C.  We’d run errands together.  She was my sidekick and she was always there.

There were days when she cried and I didn’t know why.  She’s a short napper and I’d only get downtime when she took her 2-3 naps of 45 minutes each.  I was tired.  I was frustrated when I couldn’t figure out why she was crying.  My back hurt and I wanted a break.  Those moments happened.  But there were so many more good moments. 

I’ve worked for as long as I can remember and I’ve worked full time for a very long time.  I loved my time with Adeline but I also loved my time off.  I loved wearing jeans EVERY SINGLE DAY.  One day I wore leggings all day.  Just one day thought, because I’m not that casual of a person.  I also wore contacts every single day because I wasn’t staring at a computer screen all day.  I spent time with my parents, Mr. C and had a few lunch dates in the middle of the day in the middle of the week.  I went to Target or ran errands when I wanted.   I watched 5 seasons of Gilmore Girls while I nursed.  I didn’t have to be up at a certain time unless we had an appointment.  I enjoyed not being in an office for the best weather of the year.

Had my mom not been around and if Mr. C had worked late every night, I’m sure I would have been lonely.  If I had 2 kids things likely would have been harder as well and I may have been counting my days until I could go back to work.  Fortunately, and also unfortunately for me, maternity leave was so much better than I expected and I never expected to be so sad when it ended.  Tomorrow I’ll be waking up early, putting on my dress pants, taking Adeline to daycare, and driving 45 minutes to work.  I’ll return in the evening, make dinner, and try to squeeze in everything I need to do before the next day.  I won’t be around to take hundreds of pictures daily.  I won’t spend my morning playing or reading or watching Adeline as she babbles as I do my makeup and straighten my hair.  I will be pumping at work instead of holding my baby girl and looking into her beautiful blue eyes as she nurses.  I don’t think we could have picked anyone better for daycare, but it’s still not me. 

I can think of stages we’ve passed already.  The first two weeks where we had to hold her on our chests to get her to sleep.  The hours of fussyness and crying around 8 weeks that apparently just ended.  She’s growing so fast already.  I’m reminded of that fact by the little clothes that don’t fit anymore and the way she takes up more of the bassinet.

I knew it would be hard going back but I never imagined it would be like this.  I have a job I love and I hope once I get back into the routine it will be easier.  We both work in public service and I’m the one with insurance we can actually afford so staying home isn’t an option even if we decided it’s what we wanted.   I know that going back will be good.  I’ll get back to my students, the ones I genuinely care about.  I’ll have pictures all over my office of Mr. C and Adeline.  I’ll have a few hours in the evenings with my family and I’ll cherish our weekends ever more.  But, part of my heart will be at daycare with my sweet girl while the rest of me is at work. 

I have never thought of myself as an emotional person, but becoming a mother has broken me.  I feel deeper than ever before.  I was reading a post about a couple who lost their baby.  It’s something that would have always been hard to read, but my heart aches for them and I had to stop reading for a bit because my eyes were so full of tears.  I have no idea how anyone moves on from that.  Every night as I’m laying down to go to sleep I pray that God will watch over Adeline and keep her safe.  I’m so grateful that I will have my baby girl and husband to come home to everyday but we will be in a period of transition for a little bit while we figure out our new routine and if I’m honest, I’ll also be mourning the loss of the stay-at-home mom version of myself.  It’s a bit dramatic, but again, these feelings run deep now.  I’m broken which is amazing and horrible all at once. 

This week will be hard.  I’m not sure it’ll get easier but I assume I’ll get better at it.

Asparagus Mushroom Pasta

Pasta makes a lot of appearances in the Centner house. It’s so versatile; it can be fancied up for a gourmet meal or be something simple and comforting.   It’s easy to make a lot at once and it saves for leftovers.  Plus, it comes in fun shapes which is a selling point in itself.

I’ve been looking for some easy meals lately and realized I’d never shared this one on the blog.  This pasta dish is one of my favorites and something that’s evolved over time.  I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as we do!

1 bunch asparagus, cut into 1 inch pieces

¼ c. chopped sundried tomatoes

2-3 c. baby bella mushrooms, sliced

16 oz. bowtie pasta

1 pkg. Boursin cheese (I prefer the chive flavor)

3 Tb. butter

Olive oil

Turn the oven to 350 degrees while you chop the vegetables.  Place the asparagus on a baking sheet and lightly drizzle with olive oil.  Add salt and pepper as desired.  Bake for 15-20 minutes or until slightly roasted.  Set aside.

In the meantime put a large pot of water to boil for the pasta.

Heat up some olive oil in a skillet.  Add the sliced mushrooms and sauté until the mushrooms are dark brown and cooked throughout, about 8 minutes.  Set aside.

Once the pot of water is boiling, prepare the pasta as directed to al dente.  Save 1 c. of pasta water before draining pasta. 

Set the pasta aside and in the same pot, combine butter, Boursin cheese, and reserved water.  Heat on medium until cheese and butter are melted.  Add in the cooked pasta, asparagus, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes, and mix well, ensuring all the pasta is coated with the sauce.

These Days

These days a lot of moments are intense.  They are tear-at-my-heartstrings happy or pull-my-hair-out-moments.  Baby life has consumed us for weeks and waking up to see sweet Adeline’s face seems like it will always be a novelty.  Each day is full of new discoveries and observations on her part as well as ours.

These days are hard. The afternoons of refusing naps and then crying because she's overtired. The nights of groggily waking and feeding her when I'd really love a full 12 hours of solid sleep. The pumping sessions hearing compressions from a motor rather than gazing at my baby as she swallows and rests her little hand on my chest. The spit ups in my freshly washed hair and the shirt I just put on. The nights of never eating dinner at the same time as my husband or parents, or whoever else we are with because the last couple weeks at that time she's crying or hungry or both.

These days are also great. The morning cuddles. The smiles and coos as she sits in her chair listening and watching me while I get ready for the day. The floor time when we play together or just take turns smiling at each other. The tons of pictures I take daily. The walks around the neighborhood in the afternoon, Adeline in the stroller and Coconut on her leash enjoying the cool weather. Adeline and I eating lunch with my parents during the week. Seeing my husband at 3pm on a Wednesday when I’d usually be at work. Cleaning and doing laundry during the day rather than after the sun has gone down. Being one of those people who can go to target and the grocery store during the middle of the week in the middle of the day. Having no schedule at all and getting paid for being with my family rather than at work.

We’ve adjusted to the huge shift in our lives and I’d say we’re thriving.  We have our moments but there are not breaks and we’re getting the hang of things.  Soon things will change again. These 10 weeks have flown by but they also have gone slow. It seems like ages ago that I was sending graduation plans to students at work and cleaning off my desk nightly in case I went into labor that night. I wonder if I will remember everything when I return to work. Instead of spending the day at home I will be getting up earlier, dropping my daughter off with someone she doesn't know, going to work, pumping multiple times a day between trying to do everything else, and then returning home to see my daughter and husband for a small sliver of the day before I do it again. I am not someone who ever wanted to stay home full time and I'm not sure I'm entirely cut out for that even if I do love my daughter with my whole being.  I also love my job and I love being outside of my home, making a difference for students and interacting with adults. But, the reality is that I will have the same responsibilities once I go back to work that will still have to be done after work. Laundry and cleaning and cooking, and maybe a little time for me. And, let's not forget about cleaning those lovely pump parts that will be happening multiple times a day.  Oh and worrying.  I will also be worrying in between my work tasks.

I worry that she still won't take a bottle by the time I do back to work. I worry that she won't nap at daycare because it will be different and she doesn’t sleep in a crib and sometimes she just wants to be held for a nap. I worry that I won't be there to hold her and comfort her when she cries. I worry that I won't see her much during the week and I’ll be so tired from doing everything that needs to be done.

The reality is that I do want to return to work and regardless I HAVE to return to work. We both work in public service so one income just won't cut it.  I also see value exposing her to daycare with other kids and other people with whom she can interact.  I will return to the work that I take pride in, to the students I’ve grown attached to.  I will sympathize even more with the moms taking 12 credits, working 40 hours a day, and trying to find some time to see their kids, all while earning A’s.

But, it will be hard. I'm sure I will cry as I leave her. I'm sure I will cry as I'm pumping at work and missing her eyes looking up at me. I'm sure I will cry when I have to put her to bed early because she's fussy even though I didn't get to spend quality time with her. I'm sure I will cry because I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I’m sure the reasons I will cry will continue to change over the years.  But, we will adapt.  We will adjust.  We will learn how to thrive.  And I will try to not be so hard on myself.  I will hang onto the moments and know that the hard ones will pass, as will the joyful ones.  I am thankful for this life we’ve built – the life full of experiences before Adeline and all of the amazing experiences we have before us.

16 highlights of 2016

I rang in 2016 having just purchased a house we had called home for some time, feeling settled in my job and like I was where I was meant to be, and dreaming of a baby in the new year.

I ring in 2017 slightly tired but feeling blessed.  Our little girl is soundly sleeping in her rocker and my husband is watching the ball drop next to me.  We spent the evening having pizza and playing games with my brother, sister-in-law, and three beautiful nieces. 

I love the end of the year because it’s a time to review the past year and refocus for the new one.  This year has brought so many happy moments along with some heartbreaking ones.  Below are my top 16 moments from 2016.

1. Celebrating an early anniversary in Disneyland with Mr. C.  We got engaged in Disneyland and it’s always held a special place in my heart.  We hadn’t been able to go for a couple years due to my plantar fascitis and all the walking, so we were extra excited about this trip.  We even made it to the San Diego Zoo and the beach.

2. Making our home really ours.  We ripped out the carpet from the bedrooms and replaced it with engineered hardwood that we laid ourselves.  I love the way the floors turned out and I’m so proud of us for doing it ourselves.

3. The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I had taken two tests previously days before and thought I had an early miscarriage due to some other signs.  I was so heartbroken, so when I saw that the test was positive I was in shock, a little anxious, and excited.

4. Sharing our news.  I tried thinking of my favorite reactions but there were too many.  This is actually a bunch of moments and they were all great.

5. Becoming a mother.  I put this separate from the positive test, and separate from the birth because I was Adeline’s mother for 9 months before the birth.  I had a bit of a rough pregnancy but I did what I needed to do for her to be as healthy as possible.   I loved feeling her little kicks, even the kicks to the ribs.  I knew she was fine when she was kicking around in there.

6. Having my best friend visit us in AZ not once but twice.  The first trip was actually the day I took the first pregnancy blood test so I was able to share the news with her in person which was amazing.  We had so much fun with her and I think I spent more time with her in 2016 than I had the past few years combined.  Things are certainly different now and I’m glad we had that time together.

7. Finding out that our baby was a girl.  We had done a genetic test which also told us the gender.  I had thought I would maybe try to wait until I could find out with Mr. C, but I was so excited when I got the call that I couldn’t wait any longer.  I squealed with joy on the phone when I heard the news.   I had always pictured a daughter when I thought about the future and I was beyond thrilled.

8. Meeting so many amazing, supportive people – from the three amazing midwives we worked with, to the doula, to our photographer, to the amazing L & D nurses.  I was sad when I realized I wouldn’t be seeing some of these people again, or very frequently, but I’m so thankful they were a part of our journey.

9. The multiple baby showers.  Two were surprises and two were not.  I still can’t believe I was thrown four showers; I never in my wildest dreams expected that.  They were all amazing and I was, and still am, truly touched by everyone who organized them and showed up to celebrate Baby C.

10. The birth of Adeline.  The birth itself was so empowering and was exactly what I had hoped for.  I went in knowing things could change but also feeling very strongly about certain things.  We had such a supportive group of midwives and a hospital where the natural things we wanted were standard.  I still feel very lucky to have been able to experience things the way I wanted.  When I caught Adeline and pulled her to my chest it was the best version of what I had imagined.

11. So many fun moments with friends.  From my first hockey game, to dinner at the Improv, to a battle of the bands at our church, to dinners and lunches together, there were so many moments spent with friends.

12. Again I’m grouping some things together here – the days I got emails from students thanking me for helping them.  I’m not raking in the money and I didn’t plan this path, but I truly love what I do and I feel like I’m making a difference.  I take pride in my work and love seeing students reach their goals.

13. Spending Thanksgiving with so much family again; my aunt, cousins, uncle, brother-in-law, Mr. C’s grandma, my parents, husband, a couple friends, and of course Adeline.

14. Watching my parents with Adeline.  My mom has always been so supportive in my life and continues to be that way.  She was with me for the birth and although she’s not a baby person generally, she loves holding Adeline and is great at calming her down.  I had different expectations for my dad since he’s not necessarily the mushy type, but he’s surprised me with how much he loves holding her, talking to her, and how concerned he is when she cries.  I am pretty positive he will be spoiling her.

15. Being able to see my grandma hold Adeline. My grandma has been declining healthwise for awhile, and at thanksgiving we really didn’t think she would make it to Christmas.  She did make it though, and although she may not have known who we were or who Adeline was to her, the joy we saw when my grandma held Adeline and her laughter from watching Adeline smile was truly amazing.  I was blessed to get a picture of my grandma, mom, myself, and Adeline – capturing four generations.

16. The last of my top moments has to be the first time I saw Adeline smile, and every smile since.  Her smile and laugh melts my heart and makes me so happy.  If Mr. C is laughing along with her that’s truly the best.

Not on the list, but there were so many smaller moments that are really big.  I really love those quiet nights at home watching a movie or playing backgammon with Mr. C.  Our life is a little different now but some of my favorite moments include an evening with some low lights on, sitting on the couch with Mr. C next to me, something good on the TV, and now Adeline in my arms.

There were certainly some sad moments in 2016.  At 5 weeks pregnant I went to the hospital for bleeding.  I was terrified and worried about losing my baby.  It was at that moment that I really felt like a mom.  I was willing to do whatever was needed to keep my baby safe.  Although it was scary, an amazing friend took me so I wouldn’t be alone.  She kept me calm and made me believe that everything just may be okay (which it clearly was).  I’m so very thankful for her for so many reasons.

I spent a large portion of 2016 not feeling very well with not much to do about it.  I was nauseous for months at the beginning and end of my pregnancy.  I felt like I experienced so many of the not fun things about pregnancy and I dealt with some depression for the first time in a couple years, however I knew it would be worth it.  It was and I’m doing great now.  I recovered quickly, felt back to my old self, and the prenatal depression subsided, but I’d definitely say that pregnancy and my body weren’t too copasetic. 

My grandma has gone downhill and at Thanksgiving I said goodbye to her on the phone.  I could barely get the words out and it tore at my heart.  We’ve been able to see her since being back in Nebraska.  She has her moments where it’s still her, but she’s a shell of the person she was, and I know someday soon she’ll be joining my grandpa in heaven.  It’s hard to see her like this.  I remember playing games with her, the way she’d laugh her deep laugh, and her love of chocolate.

I am looking forward to our new experiences as a family of three in 2017.  I’ve set some new goals for myself and for our family.  I wish you a wonderful start to 2017 and a truly blessed year.  Thank you for being a part of our lives!

Adeline's Birth Story

I’ve been meaning to write Adeline’s birth story for some time now before I forget too much about that day.

When I left work on Monday night I guaranteed that I’d be in the next day because we had very minimal coverage for the office and I just didn’t think I’d be lucky enough to go into labor early or on time.  “What if you go into labor tomorrow” they asked, but I knew I would not go into labor.  I left work that Monday night and headed to the chiropractor’s office where I went weekly.  I told them I was there for the adjustment that would make me go into labor and then I laughed because I was very much joking since there is no such adjustment.

That night my mom made us dinner and we finished catching up with “Blacklist”.  We walked home (she lives VERY close) and as I walked into the house I thought my bladder had decided to give out.  I went to the bathroom and saw some blood.  I knew that was it; baby Adeline was coming soon.  My water breaking wasn’t the gushing kind, it was a slow, constant trickle so at first I wasn’t sure if it was just my bladder or if it was actually my water, but the blood confirmed it.   At 10:00 my water had broken and things were going to start happening.   I called my sister-in-law who had texted me an hour earlier that two of her kids came on their due date.  I had responded telling her that was crazy and I just knew it wasn’t happening to me.  I called my mom to fill her in on was going on so she’d be ready to go when it was time to leave for the hospital, and then we called our doula.  At this point I was nervous, a little scared, and so excited to meet our baby girl.

I had considered a doula before but wasn’t sure and didn’t want to pay for one.  I went to an appointment with one of my midwives she mentioned a doula at that appointment.   I was extra nervous at that appointment, likely because I was getting to the halfway point and I really wanted a natural birth.  I had heard so many horror stories of women being pressured into interventions they didn’t want or unnecessary c-sections.  I knew what I wanted for my body and my baby.  Mr. C and I were on the same page.  We decided a doula was a good investment and once we met with Kelly we were sold.  She had a calming presence and I am so thankful we had her. 

We called Kelly who then called the midwife on call to let her know what was happening and then called me back to discuss my options.  Although I could go to the hospital, it wasn’t recommended by anyone and part of our plan was that I’d labor at home as long as possible.  She (and the midwife) advised that I take a shower if I’d like and suggested we try to get some sleep.  I washed my hair and laid down to try to rest.  The contractions were getting more serious at this point and after maybe 45 minutes I couldn’t see how anyone could rest.  I would lay down and then get up and go to the bathroom.  My back hurt but the leg cramps were the worst.  Mr. C massaged my lower back, my legs, and was encouraging.  We tried some essential oils, but oh man, those leg cramps just kept getting worse.  I was also so cold.  I was breathing through the pain and trying different positions, but at a certain point I decided that I needed to get in the shower to try to relax a bit since nothing was helping with the pain. 

I stood in the shower and Mr. C and I chatted when I could.  I know we laughed a few times and he kept telling me I was doing great.  My legs were shaking so much it was hard to stand.  Things seemed to kick into overdrive.  He began timing the contractions again and around that time I began feeling like I needed to push.  My body began to push involuntarily.  Mr. C called the doula at 1:34 and she told him to get to the hospital ASAP.  She called the midwife to let her know we were on our way and called the hospital as well so they’d know to take us up immediately since we had to go through the emergency entrance since the women’s entrance closed at night.  I’m so thankful for this.  I learned later that had we not had Kelly to call ahead, I likely would have delivered in the ER or a nurse would have delivered our baby because the midwife would not have made it.

Mr. C had called my mom, but he almost left her when she wasn’t at our house.  He started turning the car the other way and I told him he was forgetting her.  I could tell he was stressed as he pounded on her front door.  Apparently he hadn’t filled my mom in about how serious things had gotten and when she got in the car her face changed.   I found out later that she had put blush on.  Ha!

In the meantime, Kelly had called me back and was breathing with me through the phone, telling me that I needed to not push and to hold the baby in there.  Let me tell you, this was not an easy feat.  At one point she asked me to reach down and see if I could feel a head.  That did not sound fun at all.  Mr. C may have sped a bit to get us to the hospital.  I continued talking to Kelly when I could, focusing on breathing, and my mom held my hand as I breathed through each contraction.

When we got to the hospital I walked myself in, sat in the wheelchair, and instead of taking me up to delivery as instructed, they took my blood pressure and asked me some stupid questions like my weight.  I wanted to yell “WHO CARES PEOPLE???  I’M ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY!”.  Mr. C  parked, ran in, and they wheeled me up to delivery.  I was able to skip triage and go straight to a room.  I had purchased a comfy nightgown to wear during delivery instead of the hospital gown but our bags were still in the car.  I halfway put on the hospital gown not really caring what I wore, got myself to the bed, and the midwife checked my progress at 2:08.  She told me the baby’s head was right there and finally I was able to start pushing.

At 2:12 I began pushing.  It was hard and painful but it was also amazing.  I’m told that there were some nurses in and out of the room but all I saw was Mr. C, my mom, Kelly, Amanda (the midwife), and Erin, an amazing nurse.  Kelly was taking pictures and showed me one of her head so I could see the baby was right there ready to make her appearance.  I never imagined I’d want to see that, but it was pretty amazing.  Everyone was encouraging and I couldn’t have asked for a better support group.  There was no screaming, minimal swearing, and even some laughing on my part.  Between contractions everyone just stood there and somehow I had nothing on at that point.  During one of the breaks I said “wow, this is awkward” and we all laughed before the next contraction hit.  After pushing for 32 minutes I pushed her out, reached down and pulled her out and up to my chest.  She didn’t look at all like I had imagined and it was honestly just so surreal for the first couple of hours, but she was here.

Adeline Rose Kay was born at 2:44am weighing 7 lbs 12oz on my due date, election day.  Her middle names are after her great-grandma and both of her grandmothers.  I didn’t cry until I went to say her name for the first time after she was born and then I had to have Mr. C say it out loud.

Photo by: Crissy Delacy

I delivered the placenta shortly after (it’s ridiculous you have a baby and then ALSO have to have a placenta btw) and was still bleeding.  Apparently the upper sack had burst and there were pieces stuck inside me.  The bleeding would continue until all the pieces were gone.  I ended up getting a shot of pitocin, they gave me an IV with 2 bags of pitocin as well to stop the bleeding, and some pills along with about 45 minutes of pulling pieces out of me.  There was a time during all of this when I realized that I should probably be worried.  It was painful and possibly worse than the labor portion, but I am grateful I had such a great team. 

The hospital was amazing and many things I wanted were standard there; immediate skin-to-skin contact for mom and baby, delayed cord clamping, and the baby being measured and evaluated on me instead of being taken away.  Mr. C cut the cord.  They only took Adeline for a moment to weigh her when I was ready; everything else was done with Adeline on my chest.  Had I not been bleeding so much I would have not had to have had an IV.  I was able to breastfeed her right away and because I had no interventions, she was wide awake.

At some point my mom had made her way to the corner to quietly sit and give Mr. C and I some time with Adeline.  When I asked if she wanted to hold her she quickly jumped up and exclaimed “of course!”.  It was so early that we didn’t text or call anyone for a bit.  It was nice having it be a few of us, just enjoying our new little girl.  Kelly got us settled and took off.  The rooms I’d be staying in after delivery were full so we waited for a few hours over the shift change.  I ordered breakfast, which was amazing, and we began calling and texting to share the news.  I should have slept but I couldn’t do anything but hold Adeline and stare at her.  It was so odd that that little baby had been inside of me hours before and she was ours.

I thought leaving the hospital would be the scary part, but it really wasn’t.  For the most part we had been left alone in the room other than the check-ins on me for the bleeding, checks to see if we needed anything, and random people stopping in.  Adeline slept in a bassinet next to me and we had a day and a half of caring for her with nurses a call away if we needed help.  I was able to see a lactation consultant when I needed assistance and when I left I knew I was able to feed my baby.  We could have stayed longer but it seemed like we knew as much as we were going to and if we went home we could at least sleep in our own bed.   I did miss food being just a call away though.

Adeline is four weeks old tomorrow and I’m not quite sure how that happened so quickly.  I’ve been soaking up very moment with her and Mr. C. during our time off together.  There are moments that have been difficult like the first nights when it seemed like we woke up every hour and she’d only sleep when we held her, the cluster feedings and knowing I was the only one who could feed her even though I was exhausted, the worrying when I can’t hear her constantly breathing or moving at night, and changing her outfit three times in three hours because she spit up on everything. 

I didn’t feel great for a lot of my pregnancy, which I never expected.  Along with that, I also experienced some prenatal depression.  I wasn’t sure what to expect when she arrived and there was a period when I was pregnant in which it was hard to be excited about anything.  I’m tired but to say it’s worth it is an understatement.  I miss Adeline when she’s asleep and her cries can make my heart break.  I can’t imagine not having this little girl in our lives.  Life with a baby is a lot easier than I thought it would be.  My mom even commented that I seem very calm.  I actually feel pretty calm which isn’t a word she’d typically use to describe me.  I worried that I’d still feel the way I had been feeling when she arrived, but it’s quite the opposite.  I can’t say I looked at her and was flooded with an overwhelming love, but by the time we left the hospital I certainly was.  It was more something that started and crept in.  I’m calm because she’s ours and somehow we seem to know what we’re doing, and the rest we figure out as we go.  We’re doing what works for us.

Recovery for me was easier than expected and within a few days we were going out.  I’m someone who’s never been good at sitting at home so I’m not sure why I expected anything different.  I’m still me, just me as a mom.  I love my makeup and I’ve managed to shower everyday, get my makeup done, and keep the house semi clean.  My life is different but it’s a good different and I can’t imagine life without this perfect little person that’s a bit of both of us and so much more.

Photo by: Crissy Delacy