These Days

These days a lot of moments are intense.  They are tear-at-my-heartstrings happy or pull-my-hair-out-moments.  Baby life has consumed us for weeks and waking up to see sweet Adeline’s face seems like it will always be a novelty.  Each day is full of new discoveries and observations on her part as well as ours.

These days are hard. The afternoons of refusing naps and then crying because she's overtired. The nights of groggily waking and feeding her when I'd really love a full 12 hours of solid sleep. The pumping sessions hearing compressions from a motor rather than gazing at my baby as she swallows and rests her little hand on my chest. The spit ups in my freshly washed hair and the shirt I just put on. The nights of never eating dinner at the same time as my husband or parents, or whoever else we are with because the last couple weeks at that time she's crying or hungry or both.

These days are also great. The morning cuddles. The smiles and coos as she sits in her chair listening and watching me while I get ready for the day. The floor time when we play together or just take turns smiling at each other. The tons of pictures I take daily. The walks around the neighborhood in the afternoon, Adeline in the stroller and Coconut on her leash enjoying the cool weather. Adeline and I eating lunch with my parents during the week. Seeing my husband at 3pm on a Wednesday when I’d usually be at work. Cleaning and doing laundry during the day rather than after the sun has gone down. Being one of those people who can go to target and the grocery store during the middle of the week in the middle of the day. Having no schedule at all and getting paid for being with my family rather than at work.

We’ve adjusted to the huge shift in our lives and I’d say we’re thriving.  We have our moments but there are not breaks and we’re getting the hang of things.  Soon things will change again. These 10 weeks have flown by but they also have gone slow. It seems like ages ago that I was sending graduation plans to students at work and cleaning off my desk nightly in case I went into labor that night. I wonder if I will remember everything when I return to work. Instead of spending the day at home I will be getting up earlier, dropping my daughter off with someone she doesn't know, going to work, pumping multiple times a day between trying to do everything else, and then returning home to see my daughter and husband for a small sliver of the day before I do it again. I am not someone who ever wanted to stay home full time and I'm not sure I'm entirely cut out for that even if I do love my daughter with my whole being.  I also love my job and I love being outside of my home, making a difference for students and interacting with adults. But, the reality is that I will have the same responsibilities once I go back to work that will still have to be done after work. Laundry and cleaning and cooking, and maybe a little time for me. And, let's not forget about cleaning those lovely pump parts that will be happening multiple times a day.  Oh and worrying.  I will also be worrying in between my work tasks.

I worry that she still won't take a bottle by the time I do back to work. I worry that she won't nap at daycare because it will be different and she doesn’t sleep in a crib and sometimes she just wants to be held for a nap. I worry that I won't be there to hold her and comfort her when she cries. I worry that I won't see her much during the week and I’ll be so tired from doing everything that needs to be done.

The reality is that I do want to return to work and regardless I HAVE to return to work. We both work in public service so one income just won't cut it.  I also see value exposing her to daycare with other kids and other people with whom she can interact.  I will return to the work that I take pride in, to the students I’ve grown attached to.  I will sympathize even more with the moms taking 12 credits, working 40 hours a day, and trying to find some time to see their kids, all while earning A’s.

But, it will be hard. I'm sure I will cry as I leave her. I'm sure I will cry as I'm pumping at work and missing her eyes looking up at me. I'm sure I will cry when I have to put her to bed early because she's fussy even though I didn't get to spend quality time with her. I'm sure I will cry because I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I’m sure the reasons I will cry will continue to change over the years.  But, we will adapt.  We will adjust.  We will learn how to thrive.  And I will try to not be so hard on myself.  I will hang onto the moments and know that the hard ones will pass, as will the joyful ones.  I am thankful for this life we’ve built – the life full of experiences before Adeline and all of the amazing experiences we have before us.