I debated posting this for quite awhile. It's a lot to share, and I wasn't sure if it was more than I was comfortable sharing. It's something in general I don't even discuss with my friends - it's just not something you really want to bring up or discuss. However, in the end I felt it was important. I was told by someone that this post puts words to a feeling they could never describe and that's what the deciding factor was for me. I've always been better writing words than saying them and although I haven't shared what I've written with many verbally, I'm sharing it now. If this makes a difference for just one person - either by feeling that someone else understands or just makes someone more mindful of what someone else may be going through, then it's worth posting.
Depression.
That's just a sad looking word. I even tried changing the font to a pretty, curly font and it still looked sad. If the shoe fits though....
Depression is something that affects so many people. I’m not talking about momentary sadness here. What I’m talking about is something much deeper, something that makes someone feel hopeless, angry, and careless. It often goes undetected, even by the person affected. When you’re in something it’s hard to get perspective, it’s hard to see what’s really going on. It creeps up gradually until you don’t know how you got to this point. You don’t confide in anyone because you don’t really know what the problem is or how to describe it or bring it up, maybe you’re embarrassed, or perhaps you just don’t want to talk about it. Either way, it’s a horrible thing.
In Harry Potter there are these things called dementors. The dementors float around, ghostlike, and are used as guards at a prison. These dementors suck the happiness out of their victims. The victim stops fighting, stops caring, and just exists. In the movie their eyes look empty, lonely, and oh so sad. To me, that is depression. It’s a lack of happiness, a lack of wanting to be productive or even move, a lack of wanting to get up every morning, a lack of desire for anything.
According to some websites, depression may affect as many as 10% of the population. Research shows that big life changes can trigger it, and genetics may play a role.
It’s something I’ve battled since I was in junior high. It seems to come on every year, and once I finally realized that what I was experiencing was major depression and not just me feeling down, I felt like I wasn’t crazy, the world wasn’t going to end, and there was a light at the end of the tunnel. That was a few years ago. Even now it creeps up on me without warning. It doesn’t seem gradual although I know that it is. I get to a point where one day I’m feeling so miserable, so hopeless that I finally realize what’s going on and that’s what gets me through. This horrible thing snuck up on me again recently. This year it’s been a lot harder than I remember. It’s usually like a truck hitting me but this year it’s been like a semi, or maybe even a train of semis.
I still go to work, smile, and say good morning, I still talk to my friends, I still ask my husband how his day was, but I’m not me. Inside I’m sad, empty, and cold. I put on a happy face until I can’t anymore. I try to avoid conflict and wish that people would just cut me some slack for not being my happy self 24/7. I wish this, but I don’t tell them. I can’t talk about it because I don’t want to start crying. I know they won’t understand and there’s no point in trying. If they haven't been here then there's no way for them to really understand. I’m not looking for more judgment, just some understanding without me having to ask for it. I don’t reach out to my friends because I just can’t; I don’t finish my projects at home, I can't write for my blog, I don’t cook even though I love to. The couch and I are now BFFs. I use all my energy at work, and when I get home I just want to sit down and watch TV until I go to bed and struggle to fall asleep. I wake up after tossing and turning and feel like I haven’t slept in days, but I get up and do it all over again. This is when it’s at its worst.
Then somehow I realize what’s going on. I talk to someone I trust, someone I love, someone who I know will be supportive. Just having someone know my struggles, someone to care makes a big difference. I work on little things. Cleaning the floors, finishing a craft project, making dinner. The little things are big things though. I start to realize that the feeling of hopelessness is getting smaller. It’s still large, but instead of being a bubble covering my whole life, it’s now a big bubble with some holes. These holes begin to tear open until eventually the bubble collapses. And, as suddenly as it seemed to come on, it’s finally gone. I’m me again and I no longer need the couch to be my BFF.
Although you may not always be able to see something wrong, remember that everyone around you has their own struggles, their own pains. They may not wish to talk about them, they may not even be able to pinpoint them, but they are there, just like yours are there. Maybe cut them some slack, listen to them, or just smile at them, because you never know when you will be the one needing someone to listen, smile, or just give you the benefit of the doubt.
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