No Regrets

I’m happy to say that I’m not a person who lives with many regrets.  I’m pretty happy with my life choices, even though some things haven’t turned out exactly according to plan.  Others, however, turned out even better than I could have imagined.  I know that there’s a bigger plan and I’m okay with that most of the time. 

The Denver debacle has put a little damper on my no regrets policy at times.  I don’t really “regret” the decision since I know it was what was best for us, especially considering the current shakey economy, however sometimes I wish I could see what my life would have been had we taken that path instead of the one we chose.  If we could compare the consequences of our choices by actually seeing them play out life would be so much easier.  I suppose it may take the fun out of life though as well, sort of like opening a gift before Christmas.

Driving through Denver was strange.  It was about 2am, the city was beautiful and the freeways were empty.  Mr. C slept while I drove through the city, leaving me to think out loud without needed to be answered.  It felt familiar, a little like home, but so far away at the same time.  It was strange to think that had we decided differently, we would have been living there, probably in a tiny apartment somewhere north of the city.   I’d be at a new job with new co-workers I’d be getting to know.  We would have learned the freeways by now, or at least Mr. C would have.  We would have found a new favorite restaurant and our favorite shopping spots.  We’d be enjoying the cool air at night and the green that seems to be everywhere.  We’d be closer to some family and farther from others.

Since we made our decision, what has happened is that we moved into a bigger place, one that feels even more like home.  It’s amazing because I didn’t think that was possible.  We’ve made a couple new friends.  We’ve spent more time with Mr. C’s family and we’ve appreciated the extra help they’ve been willing to give the past month or so as we got settled into our new place.  We’ve saved some money (not moving across the country will do that) and planned a long-term vacation.  I’ve stopped wondering where I’ll be in a few months and have been enjoying where I am now, the wonderful friends I have here, and taking life as it comes.  But, there’s still that little voice in the back of my mind, wondering what could have been had we decided to go for it right then, throwing all caution to the wind.

Denver will always hold a place in my heart, and I believe that we’ll be there someday, someday when the choice is right for us financially, career-wise, and family-wise. I’ve always been one to do what I can to reach my goals, usually being successful at least when they really matter, but sometimes wishing in the end that I would have thought it through a little more or taken a different path to reach the same end result.  I still want my kids to grow up chasing lightning bugs, seeing squirrels (not sure what it is with me and squirrels), playing in the snow, enjoying a summer night, and shooting off the fireworks I grew up with.  Someday I know we’ll move on, but for now I’ll do my best to not think “what-ifs” and enjoy what I have – making dinner for Mr. C’s family and playing games after, spending quality time with my parents during their frequent visits, summers that are perfect around a pool, and sitting outside enjoying the cool air in December.  For now, my heart will still feel a tug when we drive through Denver or when I hear a familiar song that reminds me of the debacle only weeks ago, but I’m remembering the heartbreak I also felt when I thought of the possibility of leaving so much I loved behind.  For now I’ll enjoy that, remember no regrets, and look forward to all the future has in store for us.