Attachment Issues

I’ve been told before that I become easily attached.  Not like crazy clingy attached, but attached.  When I was little I left my crayon wrappers in the tub because I felt bad throwing them out.   They had stuck with me for all those hours of coloring and I felt bad just throwing them away!  I also slept with ALL of my stuffed animals at night because I didn’t want to leave any out.  Ok, maybe those are just examples of my weirdness?  Either way, I get comfortable and attached and it’s super hard for me to let go.  Last night I was thinking about our possible move to CO and remembered that we have to give 60 days notice before we move out of our house.   That’s like crazy soon.  CRAZY SOON!  This is about the time I started freaking out.  I LOVE our house.  I’m not sure if it’s the homey feeling or the life we’ve built there but I’m just extra attached to this house.  I wouldn’t want to actually buy it but I still love it!  Luckily we knew we needed to decide where to settle down before actually doing it so I am super grateful that we don’t have a house to worry about selling.  That’s one less thing for me to freak out about at least.  However, the thought of moving is still terrifying.  As I’m writing this I think I’m actually having a mini panic attack….or maybe even a heart attack?  I love our friends and family here, our home, our restaurants and stores, and all the little things we’ve come to love.  Basically, all the little things I’ve become attached to.

You might be thinking, “well if you’re so attached, then why are you moving you ding-dong”?  I’ve always thought we’d move, for awhile it was to NE and then CO just seemed like the perfect choice.  I know we’d have better schools, a great place to raise our kids, and we’d be farther from Mr. C’s family (I’m not putting that in the good category, keep reading!) but in-between our families which would be awesome for holidays and long weekends, especially when we start a family.  I also just see a different life for us there.   Seasons for one would be awesome!  I guess, I figure the good outweighs the bad.  But then I think about the bad (which is the good we’re leaving behind) and it’s just soooooooo hard!

I’m a planner.  As such, I like plans.  No, I LOVE plans.  I have like three calendars to keep my plans straight.  I’m partially freaking out because this move seems to be something I can’t really plan for.  I’m job searching but that involves waiting.  Mr. C also has to wait for opening.  I’m REALLY bad at waiting.  Waiting and secrets are my weak spots.  Waiting to open a secret gift is the worst.  It’s really not good if I know where it’s hidden.  I don’t WANT to look but I just can’t help myself…  Anyhow, I can’t plan our housing because I don’t know when or exactly where we’ll find jobs.  I’m pretty open to spontaneity but this is just crossing the line.  This is just too much, too much non-planning!

I’ve moved across the country once and it was hard.  It was hard letting go of friends.  Although some of us keep in touch, some I’ve lost and some other relationships have adapted but I know they’ll never be like they were.   Even now the distance is hard.  It’s still difficult with some of my family and friends.  I left my home and it took me a long time to feel like I found another home.  For a couple years I felt like I didn’t really belong either place.  AZ didn’t feel quite right and NE felt like my past.  But then I think of how my move here worked out.  Amazingly my dream to attend ASU became a reality.  If I hadn’t moved here I wouldn’t have met some very amazing friends.  If I hadn’t moved I also wouldn’t have met Mr. C, something I can barely bear to think of.  And, if I hadn’t moved I never would have known the opportunities and life experiences I was missing out on by not being here. 

This got me to thinking about my feelings right before I left NE.  I was terrified.  I was moving alone and to a city where I knew no one (no one for a few months anyhow, until my snowbird grandparents arrived).   I bawled my eyes out when my parents left me.  I got lost all of the time.  I was so homesick I thought I was going to die.

I think I might bawl my eyes out this time too but I won’t be alone.  We’ll have family close and we can cry together (although I severely doubt Mr. C will be doing any crying).  I guess I just need to have faith that everything will work out because up to this point it may not have been exactly the way I wanted it to, but everything really has worked out.  I’d still really appreciate a guarantee though…..