Mrs. Centner vs. Spray Tan

Remember that Friends episode where Ross decides to get a spray-on-tan?  He doesn’t quite get it right and ends up getting only the front tanned which of course makes him look completely ridiculous.  I told my friend I was terrified of that happening to me.  She said I’d be fine.  She lied.

Next weekend I'll be a bridesmaid in one of my longtime friend’s wedding.  Since I have the fairest skin in the world and am trying to cover up a sunburn which I stupidly obtained last weekend, I thought the best idea would be to get a spray tan.  No harmful rays and I’d be glowing in no time.  Win-win, right?  Wrong!

So, after work I drove down to the tanning salon.

After stripping down and applying my lotion as fast as possible to beat the four minute timer, I step into the booth and began looking for the start button.  The voice instructs me where to stand and to touch the activating button.  I scan the room for the button.  I can’t find this mystical button anywhere.  I walk over to the huge poster of instructions twice and STILL can’t figure it out.  At this point, I’m touching anything that’s sticking out of the wall - anything that looks like it could possibly be a button.  I begin to wonder if they’ll get some sort of warning at the front desk and come check on me when I don’t hit this button.  I wonder what I’ll do when they knock on the door and I’m racing around the room naked, searching for the stupid button.  After touching everything in sight, I finally find it and we’re off!  This should have been my first red flag.

I was so excited about my easy, glowing tan that I didn’t think to take eyewear.  Once there I figured I could just close my eyes instead – an easy solution.  Except that I forgot I was wearing glasses.  After the first spray,I opened my eyes to find my glasses covered in the Mystic tan solution.  The voice was instructing me how to move so I frantically grabbed the glasses, threw them onto the rug and hurried into my next position.  The next two sprays went off without a hitch so at this point I was feeling like I’d gotten the hang of things.  That’s when it all went wrong.  I got overconfident and apparently stopped listening.  The voice told me how to move with one foot on the 2 and one on the 4.  I tend to space out sometimes and I guess I wasn’t really paying attention and I couldn’t remember which foot went where.  I figured I’ll be turning like that for a little bit longer,  so it shouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t get it right that one time.  Right after that spray the machine stopped spraying.  I slowly began to realize what I had just done.  One spray on the front, one on the left, one on the right, and then another one on the front.  OMG.  That’s two on the front.  TWO!!!.  And none, yes NONE, on the back.  Great.  I go home and figure it won’t be noticeable.

It’s now four hours later and I’m terrified of waking up in the morning.  Has anyone ever called in sick because they look like an Oompa Loompa?  My husband thinks it’s funny.  I figure I’ll either look terrible in the morning or I’ll have my perfect glow.  Since I’m looking a little orangey now, I’m thinking the perfect glow thing is out.  Oops.